The short answer
- Work out which stage your parent is atStill steady but needing watching, needing a hand to move or wash, or now confined to bed. Each stage calls for a different approach.
- Let them do what they still canKeeping as much of the task theirs as possible protects their dignity and keeps the routine familiar, even as the help you give grows.
- Small technique choices lower the risk of infectionWiping front to back and drying skin folds properly matter more than most families realise, and dementia often needs a change to routine and signage rather than more supervision.
- Equipment under £1,000 is usually free once assessedAn occupational therapist can assess your parent for grab rails, a raised seat or a commode, and continence products come through the NHS separately.
This guide is about how to help yourself. If it has become more than you can manage alone, a carer can take on some or all of these visits.
Why this matters
Why washing and toileting need extra care once your parent needs help
These are private tasks that touch on infection, skin health and how a person feels about themselves. Getting the approach right protects all three.
Skin and infection
Bladder and bowel health
Dignity and confidence
Most of what follows applies whoever is helping, whether that is you, a district nurse or a paid carer. Caring for a parent covers the wider decisions around arranging support, and privacy and dignity goes further into keeping your parent's dignity intact as the help they need grows.
Which stage they are at
Working out how much help your parent needs right now
Most families move through this gradually rather than in a single step, and it is common to slide back after an illness or a fall before moving forward again.
Still getting about
Can wash and get to the toilet alone, but needs watching or a steadying hand
Supervision, a bit of reassurance, and a bathroom that will not let them down
Equipment that helps
Grab rails by the bath and toilet, a non-slip mat, a raised toilet seat if standing up is hard
The approach
Stay close by rather than in the room, and let them do as much as they can themselves
Needs physical help
Needs a hand to stand, sit, transfer or clean themselves properly
Hands-on help with the wash itself, and with getting on and off the toilet or a commode
Equipment that helps
A shower seat or bath board, a commode if the bathroom is far from the bed, handrails either side of the toilet
The approach
Ask before every step, and give them something to hold on to rather than holding onto them
Cannot get out of bed
Washing and toileting both happen in bed
A bed bath and a bedpan, with somebody trained in moving and handling nearby
Equipment that helps
A bedpan, waterproof pads, an adjustable bed if one is available
The approach
Talk them through each step and ask permission before you begin, every time
The sections below go through the middle and last stage in more detail: how to help with bathing and the toilet once a hand is needed, and what changes once your parent can no longer get out of bed.
Bathing and showering
Helping your parent bathe or shower safely
A bad experience in the bathroom, a slip, a cold room, being rushed, can make someone reluctant to be washed again. Slowing down and preparing the room first prevents most of what goes wrong.
- 1
Get the room ready first
Before they undressWarm the room, lay out towels, soap and clean clothes, and check any grab rails, a bath seat or a shower chair are fitted and steady. Sorting this out before your parent is undressed and cold saves both of you standing around. - 2
Check the water temperature
Every timeTest the water with your hand before they get in, and again if the shower or bath has been running for a while. Older skin is more sensitive to heat and burns more easily. - 3
Take it at their pace
Getting in and outRushing the walk to the bath or shower is where falls tend to happen. Let them set the speed, and stay close enough to steady them without holding on unless they ask you to. - 4
Let them wash what they can reach
During the washHand them the flannel for their face and hands even if you are doing the rest. Keeping some of the task theirs, in the same order they always washed in, can make it easier to follow. - 5
Dry and dress somewhere warm
AfterwardsPat rather than rub the skin dry, paying attention to skin folds where moisture collects, and get them dressed before they get cold rather than after.
Using the toilet
Helping your parent use the toilet or a commode
Most people who are not bedridden can still use the toilet or a commode with some help. The aim is to give as much privacy as the situation allows, while staying close enough to step in if needed.
A raised toilet seat and handrails either side make standing and sitting far easier, and a commode is worth having if the bathroom is some distance from the bed. If clothing fastenings are difficult, check what they can manage alone before you help, since undoing buttons themselves is often one of the last things people want to give up.
What helps
- Asking permission before every step, not just the first one
- Giving them privacy by closing the curtain or door and waiting within earshot
- Wiping front to back to help prevent urinary tract infections
- Passing them the toilet paper first, and only helping directly if they cannot manage themselves
- Keeping the route to the toilet clear of clutter and a light on at night
What to avoid
- Standing over them while they go, if a call from just outside the door would do instead
- Rushing them, especially if they normally take a while
- Flushing wipes, which are better bagged and put in the bin
- Assuming a raised seat or commode is only needed once someone is fully bedridden
The NHS advises wiping from front to back to help prevent urinary tract infections, which are both more common and more serious in older people.
A carer's own training for this exact task is set out in taking a client to the toilet, worth reading if you want the fuller approach a paid carer would take.
If they cannot get up
Helping someone use a bedpan safely and with dignity
Once your parent can no longer get out of bed, washing and toileting move to where they are lying. It takes longer and needs a second pair of hands more often, so build in the time rather than rushing.
- 1
Talk them through it and ask first
Before you startExplain what you are about to do and ask permission, even if you have done this many times before. Support their back with pillows, or adjust the bed so they are sitting up if it is able to move. - 2
Protect the bed
Getting readySlide a waterproof pad underneath them. If they can lift their hips, sometimes called making a bridge, ask them to do so while you place the pan; if they cannot, roll them gently onto their side to position it instead. - 3
Support their lower back
Placing the panHold their lower back with one hand while you place the curved edge of the bedpan underneath them with the other, then let them rest their weight on it. - 4
Give them privacy and time
While they goCover their lap with a towel, then step back or step out if you can still hear them, and let them tell you when they are ready rather than checking repeatedly. - 5
Clean gently and reposition
AfterwardsWipe with toilet paper then a damp wipe, drying gently, and roll them onto their side to remove the pan the same way it went in. Offer a wipe or warm water and soap for their hands. - 6
Empty, replace and wash your hands
To finishEmpty the bedpan into the toilet, wash it in hot water and let it dry fully before it is used again, and wash your own hands thoroughly once you have removed your gloves.
Rolling and repositioning somebody safely is its own skill, covered in full in moving elderly parents safely. If this has become a regular part of the day, it is worth writing down what works for your parent in a care plan, so that anyone else helping, a relative or a carer, does it the same way.
Equipment and extra help
Getting equipment, continence products and extra help
Much of what makes bathing and toileting easier does not have to come out of your own pocket. The council, the NHS and a paid carer each cover a different part of it.
| Who to contact | What they help with | |
|---|---|---|
| Council occupational therapist | Ask your local council for an assessment | Grab rails, a raised toilet seat, a commode and similar equipment. Items costing under £1,000 are provided free once assessed. |
| NHS continence service | Ask your GP, or self-refer in many areas | An assessment for continence products such as pads, with ongoing supply if your parent is eligible. |
| A paid carer | Search carers near your parent | Hands-on help with washing, dressing and toileting at the times of day it is hardest, from £18 to £25 an hour with our fee included. |
Council occupational therapist
- Who to contact
- Ask your local council for an assessment
- What they help with
- Grab rails, a raised toilet seat, a commode and similar equipment. Items costing under £1,000 are provided free once assessed.
NHS continence service
- Who to contact
- Ask your GP, or self-refer in many areas
- What they help with
- An assessment for continence products such as pads, with ongoing supply if your parent is eligible.
A paid carer
- Who to contact
- Search carers near your parent
- What they help with
- Hands-on help with washing, dressing and toileting at the times of day it is hardest, from £18 to £25 an hour with our fee included.
Council equipment assessments are free regardless of your parent's income or savings. Continence product eligibility depends on a clinical assessment, not on cost alone.
To ask for an equipment assessment, contact your council through GOV.UK; an occupational therapist will usually visit and walk around the home with you. The NHS explains what counts as a home adaptation and when it is free. For continence products, your GP can refer you, or you can contact Bladder & Bowel UK directly for advice on products and local services. Managing incontinence goes further into products and routines for bladder and bowel problems specifically, and local authority funding covers what the council can pay towards more broadly if your parent's savings are below the threshold. Writing down what works in a washing and dressing care plan helps keep the approach consistent if more than one person is helping.
If washing and toileting have become more than you can manage alone, whether because of your own back, your own time, or because your parent would rather be helped by someone other than family, a carer can take on some or all of these visits. How many visits a week does my parent need helps work out what a morning routine like this would cost, and you can search carers near you to see who is available.
Questions
Questions families ask about bathing and toileting
Ask your local council for a care needs or equipment assessment. An occupational therapist will visit, look at what your parent struggles with, and recommend equipment. Items costing under £1,000 are provided free of charge, whatever your parent's income or savings.
Equipment and small adaptations costing under £1,000 are free once an occupational therapist has assessed the need. Bigger changes, such as a wet room, may need a Disabled Facilities Grant instead, which can be means-tested.
Ask your GP to refer you to your local NHS continence service, or contact the service directly, since many areas accept self-referral. A specialist nurse assesses what your parent needs, and products are supplied if they are eligible. Bladder & Bowel UK gives free, confidential advice on products and services if you are not sure where to start.
Ask permission at each step rather than assuming it once, offer small choices such as what to wear or which flannel to use, and let them do whatever they still can themselves. Refusal is often about dignity rather than the task itself. Privacy and dignity goes further into keeping this from becoming a source of conflict.
The NHS advises wiping from front to back, drying the area gently afterwards, and encouraging your parent to drink enough through the day rather than cutting back on fluids to avoid trips to the toilet.
A clear sign with both a word and a picture on the toilet door, a light left on at night, and a routine of prompts before meals and before bed rather than waiting to be asked. Alzheimer's Society has detailed guidance on reducing and managing accidents.
When it is becoming physically hard for you to manage safely, when your own time no longer stretches to it, or when your parent would prefer help from someone other than family. A carer can cover a single morning visit or several a day. Search vetted carers near your parent to see who is available.