The short answer
- You do not have to be the only oneSharing tasks with people who already know your parent protects both of you: it reduces what falls on you, and it means your parent sees more than one face during the week.
- List the tasks before you askA specific day and a specific job is far easier for someone to say yes to than a vague offer of help left open for either of you to bring up later.
- Tell everyone the same news at onceOne written update that the whole circle can read saves you ringing round every evening, and each person only needs the part that matches what they do.
- Ask a neighbour to watch, not to careChecking in and knowing who to ring is a fair thing to ask a neighbour. Washing, medication and money are not, and it is not fair to put them in that position.
- Bring in a paid carer for what has to happen every dayCarers on PrimeCarers charge £18 to £25 an hour, our fee included, for the visits that cannot wait for someone to be free.
Figures for paid care are what carers on PrimeCarers charge, with our fee included. Agencies charge £28 to £35 an hour for the same visit.
Who can help
Four kinds of help, and what each one is realistically good for
Not everyone around you can, or should, help in the same way. Matching the task to the right person avoids asking too much of somebody, or leaving a job with nobody suited to it.
Family and close friends
Good for: Company, sitting in for an hour or an afternoon, and tasks that need someone who already knows your parent's routine.
Ask them for: A specific day and job: the Tuesday shop, a standing phone call, or covering an evening so you can be somewhere else.
Not the right fit for: Personal care or medication if it would embarrass your parent, or if the relationship makes it awkward for either of them.
Neighbours
Good for: Keeping an eye on the house and noticing when something looks wrong while you cannot be there.
Ask them for: An emergency number to ring, and to flag anything unusual: curtains still closed, lights left on, post piling up.
Not the right fit for: Anything involving your parent's body, their medication or their money. That is a bigger ask than a neighbour will expect.
Local voluntary and community groups
Good for: Regular company or a set outing for someone who is mostly on their own, from a volunteer who has been checked for the role.
Ask them for: Your council's adult social care team, or a national charity, for a befriending or visiting volunteer near your parent.
Not the right fit for: Anything urgent. These services can have a waiting list and run to a fixed weekly slot, not on call.
A paid carer
Good for: The tasks that have to happen at a set time every day whatever else is going on: getting up, washing, meals and medication.
Ask them for: A specific visit, booked directly with a carer you choose, for as many hours or days a week as your parent needs.
Not the right fit for: A single one-off errand or the odd favour, where asking someone you already know is quicker and free.
You may end up drawing on more than one of these at once, and the combination that works will change as your parent's needs change.
Building a rota
Turning willing people into a working rota
People around you may be willing to help without knowing what would be useful. A short, specific list turns good intentions into something that happens.
- 1
Write down every task, not just the hard ones
Start hereInclude the small jobs, a weekly shop, a phone call, watering the plants, alongside the harder ones. Small jobs can be the easiest for someone else to take on, and taking them off your list still frees up your time. - 2
Ask for a specific day and task
Not a general offer"Could you do the Tuesday shop?" is easier to say yes to than "let me know if you need anything", because the person knows exactly what they are agreeing to and when. - 3
Put it somewhere everyone can see
A shared calendar or group chatA shared calendar, a family group chat, or a paper rota on the fridge all work. What matters is that everyone can see who is doing what, so nothing is assumed and nothing gets missed. - 4
Cover the cost of driving
If someone is doing it regularlyIf a relative or friend is regularly driving your parent to appointments, offering to cover the petrol removes an awkwardness neither of you needs. HM Revenue and Customs' mileage rate, 55p a mile, is a fair amount to offer. - 5
Review it after a few weeks
Adjust rather than assumeRotas drift as life gets busier for some people and quieter for others. Checking in after a month, rather than waiting for something to be missed, keeps it working.
Before you draw up the rota, it can help to get everyone together, in person or on a video call, to agree what your parent needs and who can offer what. Holding a family meeting about care covers who to invite and what to decide, and organising care as a family brings together the guides on sharing the care out.
Somebody who lives a long way off can still take a share. Booking appointments, ordering the online food shop, dealing with post or bills your parent has asked them to help with, and a standing phone call can all be done from a distance. If you are in work in England, Scotland or Wales, you can ask your employer for flexible working from your first day in the job, and you can take up to one week of unpaid carer's leave in every 12 months. Balancing work with caring explains how to ask for both.
Keeping everyone informed
Keeping a wider circle up to date without relaying everything yourself
Once several people are helping, somebody has to know what is going on, and without a plan that person ends up being you on the phone every evening. Deciding who needs to know what, and telling them together, takes that job off one person.
| What they need to know | How to keep them up to date | |
|---|---|---|
| A brother or sister sharing the care | Anything that affects the rota: appointments, changes in how your parent is, and who is covering which day | The family group chat, and one written update a week that they can read when they have time |
| A relative who lives far away | How your parent is, and how the jobs they have taken on from a distance are going | The same weekly update, and a regular phone or video call with your parent themselves |
| Grandchildren | Enough to call or visit at a good time, and any news your parent is happy for them to hear | A message from their own parent when there is news, or a place in the group chat if your parent is happy with that |
| A neighbour | Who to ring if something looks wrong, and when the house will be empty or someone new will be calling | Two phone numbers written down by their phone, and a short message when the routine changes |
| A friend who visits | The day they are down for, and anything worth knowing before they arrive | A message the day before their turn on the rota |
A brother or sister sharing the care
- What they need to know
- Anything that affects the rota: appointments, changes in how your parent is, and who is covering which day
- How to keep them up to date
- The family group chat, and one written update a week that they can read when they have time
A relative who lives far away
- What they need to know
- How your parent is, and how the jobs they have taken on from a distance are going
- How to keep them up to date
- The same weekly update, and a regular phone or video call with your parent themselves
Grandchildren
- What they need to know
- Enough to call or visit at a good time, and any news your parent is happy for them to hear
- How to keep them up to date
- A message from their own parent when there is news, or a place in the group chat if your parent is happy with that
A neighbour
- What they need to know
- Who to ring if something looks wrong, and when the house will be empty or someone new will be calling
- How to keep them up to date
- Two phone numbers written down by their phone, and a short message when the routine changes
A friend who visits
- What they need to know
- The day they are down for, and anything worth knowing before they arrive
- How to keep them up to date
- A message the day before their turn on the rota
Start with your parent's wishes. A neighbour needs to know who to ring, not the details of a hospital appointment, and your parent may feel differently about what a grandchild hears than about what their own children hear. One written update that everyone reads means nobody hears a different version from somebody else. Keeping the family informed covers setting up the group chat and the weekly update, and getting the GP and the hospital to speak to more than one of you. A care diary left in the house gives whoever visits next a note of what happened on the last visit.
Asking a neighbour
What is fair to ask a neighbour, and what is not
A neighbour who has known your parent for years can be a real help, and may well be glad to be useful. The trick is asking for the right kind of help, and not putting them in a position they did not sign up for.
What is fair to ask
- Keeping an eye on the house and noticing anything unusual: curtains still closed by mid-morning, lights left on overnight, or milk left on the step
- Giving them an emergency number, yours and one other, so they know exactly who to ring if something looks wrong
- Collecting a parcel or a prescription, or letting a tradesperson in when you cannot be there
- A short, regular check-in, a knock and a hello rather than a full visit, if your parent is on their own for long stretches
What to leave to someone else
- Personal care, or anything involving your parent's body
- Medication, even something as simple as handing over a dosette box
- Money, banking, or anything that could later be questioned
- Being the only person who knows what is happening. A neighbour is a useful extra pair of eyes, not a substitute for you or a carer
If a neighbour or a volunteer is taking on a regular check-in, it is worth being clear with yourself about where your own responsibility still sits, since arranging that support does not move it entirely off your plate. Your duties as a caregiver sets out what that responsibility involves in more detail. No law in the UK requires an adult child to care for a parent or pay for their care, and am I legally responsible for my elderly parent? explains where a legal duty can arise.
Finding more help
Where to find volunteers if family and friends cannot cover it all
If the people you already know cannot fill every gap, local and national organisations recruit and check volunteers for exactly this. Expect a wait rather than same-day help.
Your local council
Ask adult social care
A carer's assessment is also worth asking your council for in its own right. It looks at what caring is doing to you rather than at your parent's needs, and it does not depend on your income or on the two of you living together. What is a carer's assessment? covers who qualifies and how to ask.
Bringing in paid care
When it is time to bring in a paid carer
Favours and volunteers can cover a great deal, but not the tasks that need to happen at the same time every day, whatever else is going on. That is usually the point to look at paid care for at least part of the week.
| What it covers | What it costs | |
|---|---|---|
| A single hourly visit | The morning or evening routine, a lunch call, or sitting with your parent for a set time | £18 to £25 an hour on PrimeCarers, our fee included, against £28 to £35 through an agency for the same visit |
| Live-in care | Someone in the house day and night, once visits are adding up to most of the day | From £1,050 a week on PrimeCarers |
| A short break for you | A few days where somebody else takes over entirely, arranged as respite care or through your council | Varies; the council can sometimes fund it after a carer's assessment |
A single hourly visit
- What it covers
- The morning or evening routine, a lunch call, or sitting with your parent for a set time
- What it costs
- £18 to £25 an hour on PrimeCarers, our fee included, against £28 to £35 through an agency for the same visit
Live-in care
- What it covers
- Someone in the house day and night, once visits are adding up to most of the day
- What it costs
- From £1,050 a week on PrimeCarers
A short break for you
- What it covers
- A few days where somebody else takes over entirely, arranged as respite care or through your council
- What it costs
- Varies; the council can sometimes fund it after a carer's assessment
Figures are what carers on PrimeCarers charge, with our fee included, current for September 2026.
Every carer on PrimeCarers has had their identity and right to work verified and an enhanced DBS check (or PVG in Scotland, Access NI in Northern Ireland) issued within the last 18 months, and has been interviewed online before their profile goes live. We do not check qualifications or training, so ask each carer about their experience with what your parent needs. PrimeCarers introduces you to a self-employed carer rather than employing or managing them, so it is worth agreeing what you expect directly with the carer you choose, in the same way you would with a neighbour or a family member helping out. How many visits a week does my parent need is a good place to start working out the hours, and you can search vetted carers near your parent for free, with no obligation to book. If money is the obstacle rather than time, how to privately fund care sets out the options for paying for it.
Questions
Questions families ask about sharing the care
Ask for one specific thing on one specific day rather than a general favour, and say what it is for: "so I can get a full night's sleep" is easier to agree to than an unexplained request. It also saves the other person guessing what would help.
Checking in, watching for anything unusual, and holding an emergency number are fair requests. Personal care, medication and anything involving money are not, and asking for them puts a neighbour in a position they may not be prepared for.
Your council's adult social care team, and national charities such as Age UK and Royal Voluntary Service, recruit and check volunteers for regular visits and calls. Expect a waiting list for some services.
No. A befriending service is company or practical help arranged through a charity or your council. A carer's assessment is a separate, free right to have your own needs as a carer looked at by the council. What is a carer's assessment? covers how to ask for one.
On PrimeCarers, every carer has their identity and right to work verified, holds an enhanced DBS check (or PVG in Scotland, Access NI in Northern Ireland) issued within the last 18 months, and has been interviewed online, before their profile goes live. We do not check qualifications or training. A carer's profile shows reviews from families who booked them through PrimeCarers, and references the carer has invited past employers or families to leave, which we do not verify. Ask directly about experience with anything specific your parent needs.
Carers on PrimeCarers charge £18 to £25 an hour for a single visit, our fee included, against £28 to £35 typically charged by an agency for the same visit. Doing it all yourself costs no money directly, but it costs you time and sleep, and that is worth weighing as well.
It happens, and it is not always about willingness: distance, their own health or a difficult history with your parent can all be behind it. Rather than pushing the same request again, look at what neighbours, local volunteers or a few hours of paid care could cover instead, and revisit family later if the situation changes. When siblings are not helping covers how to raise it without a falling-out.
A relative who spends at least 35 hours a week caring for someone who gets certain disability benefits may be able to claim Carer's Allowance, and they do not have to live with the person they care for. In England, if the council pays towards your parent's care through direct payments, the money cannot be used to pay a husband, wife or partner, or a close relative who lives in the same household, unless the council decides it is necessary. A relative who lives elsewhere is not covered by that rule.