The short answer
- They are unlikely to tell you what they needCaregivers tend to play down how caring is affecting them, so the parts they need help with are usually the parts you have to notice yourself.
- Say something specific, not something generalA precise thank you for one thing they did, or an open door rather than a closed "let me know", tends to land better than a general compliment.
- Offer a task with a day attachedA specific, recurring commitment is easier for someone to accept than a vague offer of help, and easier for you to keep.
- A few hours off does more than a cardCovering one visit yourself, or booking a carer for a morning, gives them time that is properly theirs. Carers on PrimeCarers charge £18 to £25 an hour with our fee included.
This page is for someone supporting a family carer. If you are the one doing the caring, the questions on how to look after yourself and how to stop feeling resentful are answered on their own pages, linked in the questions below.
Why it matters
Why caregivers rarely say when they need cheering up
If you have noticed someone close to you looking worn down while they care for a parent or partner, you are probably right, and they are unlikely to have told you the whole of it. Most caregivers say less about the strain than they are carrying, not more.
They tend to under-report it
You are probably only seeing the better days
Their own health can slip without them noticing
If you want to understand what they are dealing with before you decide how to help, what is the hardest thing about being a caregiver, what do caregivers need most and what are the signs of caregiver burnout cover the pressures behind what you are noticing.
What to say
Saying the right thing without overthinking it
There is no script that works for everyone, but a few small changes in how you phrase things make it easier for a caregiver to accept what you are offering, whether that is comfort, a compliment or help.
When they say "I'm fine"
Lands badly
"That's good, you always manage."
Try instead
"You've got a lot on. Tell me if that changes."
Taking "fine" at face value closes the conversation. Leaving the door open costs you nothing, and means they do not have to ask twice.
When you want to thank or compliment them
Lands badly
"I don't know how you do it, you're amazing."
Try instead
"What you did getting her to that appointment on Tuesday made a real difference."
A specific mention shows you were paying attention. A general compliment can feel like a way of closing the subject rather than opening it.
When you want to offer help
Lands badly
"Let me know if you need anything."
Try instead
"I'm free Thursday morning. Can I do the shopping, or sit with him for an hour?"
An open offer puts the work of asking back on them, at a time when asking is already hard. A specific one only needs a yes.
When they cancel plans again
Lands badly
"You always cancel lately."
Try instead
"No problem. Same time next week, or should I come to you instead?"
Caregivers often stop making plans rather than keep cancelling them. Making it easy to say yes again keeps you in their week.
None of this needs to be elaborate. A short, specific message on an ordinary evening, naming the thing you noticed, usually means more than a longer one that arrives once a month.
Practical help
Practical help that a caregiver can accept
A vague offer puts the work of asking back on them, and most caregivers will not make that call until they are already overwhelmed. A specific offer, with a day and a task attached, is far easier to say yes to.
Offers that get accepted
- A named day and task, "I'll do the Tuesday shop", rather than "let me know if you need anything"
- Turning up with a meal rather than asking whether they have eaten
- Taking on one recurring job, the school run, the dog, the bins, on the same day every week
- Sitting with the person they care for so they can have a bath, a walk or a coffee alone
- Helping with a specific piece of paperwork or a phone call they have mentioned putting off
Offers that go nowhere
- Offering help you can only give once, then being unavailable when it is needed again
- Waiting to be asked, when most caregivers will not ask until they are already struggling
- Taking over a decision about the person they care for without checking with them first
- Expecting thanks in the moment, when they may be too tired to give it
If the household in question is close family and you want to formalise who does what, a written care plan keeps tasks from depending on one person remembering everything.
Giving them a break
Giving them time that belongs to them
A card or a kind word helps for a moment. A few hours where somebody else is responsible for the person they care for tends to help for longer, especially once it happens more than once.
- 1
Offer to cover one specific visit
This weekSay which visit, the morning routine, the school run, the evening meal, and turn up for it. One dependable slot each week gives them a fixed point to look forward to, rather than an open offer they have to activate themselves. - 2
Book a carer for a few hours
From an hour, free to searchA carer found through PrimeCarers can sit with the person they care for while they are out, for a single morning or a regular slot each week. Carers charge £18 to £25 an hour with our fee included, against £28 to £35 through most agencies, and every carer has had an online interview and had their identity, right to work and an enhanced DBS check completed before they appear. - 3
Look into a longer break before they reach the end of their rope
Plan aheadA week or more where someone else takes over completely resets things in a way a single afternoon cannot, and Carers Trust, a national charity for unpaid carers, can point them to local funded breaks through its network of local services. - 4
Make the offer specific enough that saying yes is easy
Every timeName a date and a length of time rather than asking whether they want a break, since deciding to accept help is itself another decision on a long list. A fixed slot in the diary is one less thing for them to arrange.
If you are not sure how many hours would make a real difference, how many visits a week does my parent need works through it from the tasks involved, and it is worth looking at together. Search carers near them once you have an idea, and what is respite care and when to consider respite care cover how a longer break is arranged and funded.
Pointing them to support
Pointing them towards support beyond you
You cannot be the only person a caregiver relies on, and they should not have to make you their only source of support. A few routes exist that are built for exactly this, and most caregivers have not been told about them.
A local carer support group
The Carers UK helpline and online community
NHS Talking Therapies
Age UK's advice line, 0800 678 1602, and its carer support services can point them to a local group or a sitting service by postcode. Carers Trust can help arrange a longer, funded break through its local network. The Carers UK helpline (0808 808 7777, Monday to Friday, 9am to 6pm) is worth saving in your own phone too, and NHS Talking Therapies can be self-referred to without seeing a GP first.
Building a support network goes further into finding people in a similar situation, whether that is other family carers or a group specific to the condition involved. And once some of the practical load is off, how do you look after yourself as a carer covers the everyday habits that help them keep going.
Questions
Questions about supporting a caregiver
Take the pressure off them to prove otherwise. Saying something like "you've got a lot on, tell me if that changes" leaves the door open without forcing an answer. Most caregivers will say more once they know they will not be met with sympathy alone.
It rarely does, as long as it is framed as your idea rather than a comment on how they are managing. Offering to cover the cost of a single visit, so they can have a morning off, tends to land better than suggesting they need permanent help. Carers found through PrimeCarers charge £18 to £25 an hour with our fee included, so a few hours is not a large commitment to offer. Search carers near them to see who is available.
Keep the offers small, specific and repeated, rather than one large offer made once. A caregiver who cannot accept "let us take this over" may still accept "I will do the school run on Wednesdays," because it is a smaller decision and easier to reverse if it does not work out.
Yes, if they have not mentioned it. It is a free, legal right that is separate from anything to do with the person they care for, and most carers who have not had one simply did not know it existed. How do I stop being resentful as a caregiver explains how to ask their council for one.
This page is written for the person supporting you. If you want something written for you directly, how do you look after yourself as a carer and how do I stop being resentful as a caregiver cover the same ground from where you are standing.
A carer found through PrimeCarers charges £18 to £25 an hour with our fee included, against £28 to £35 through most agencies, so a few hours is a modest gift rather than a major expense. How many visits a week does my parent need helps work out what a bigger, regular arrangement would cost if that is what they need.
Exhaustion that does not lift, numbness, or a sense of dread about caring can be signs of something beyond ordinary tiredness. What are the signs of caregiver burnout and what is caregiver trauma cover what to look for. If anything they say worries you, Samaritans are free to call any time on 116 123.