The short answer
- You are not the only one doing thisAbout 5 million people in England and Wales provide unpaid care for a family member, and around 152,000 of them give 50 hours a week or more.
- Strain tends to build graduallyCaregiving rarely tips into burnout overnight. Knowing which stage you are in, from coping to burnt out, points to what helps next.
- Loneliness and resentment are common, not a failingFeeling isolated, or short-tempered with someone you love, does not mean you are doing this badly. It usually means you need more support than you currently have.
- Practical support exists, and most of it is free to ask forA carer's assessment from the council, a paid carer for a few hours a week, or a period of respite care can each take real weight off, rather than leaving you to manage alone.
Figures on this page are for England and Wales. If your own job is also under strain, balancing work with caregiving covers the legal rights that can help, separately from what is on this page.
The caregiver's role
What caring for a parent or partner can involve
Caregiving covers a wide range, from someone who calls in each day to check on a parent, to someone who has taken on almost every part of another person's day. There is no single job description, which is part of what makes it hard to explain to people who have not done it.
Personal care
Medical tasks
Household and admin
Emotional presence
Most people who end up doing this are family: a daughter, a son, a partner or a sibling who was simply there when help became necessary. The challenges of caring for elderly parents covers what changes as a parent's own needs grow, from the first conversation about needing help through to bigger decisions further down the line.
Being this close to someone also makes it harder to stay objective about their care, and the biggest struggle as a caregiver goes into why. A paid carer, whether for a few hours a week or full time, faces a version of the same closeness with a client they are not related to, which is why can carers hug clients? is a genuine question carers ask about where the boundary sits.
Not every family member ends up doing all of this alone. Bringing in a paid carer for part of the week is one of the most direct ways to reduce what caregiving asks of you, and what do caregivers need most? sets out what tends to help before things reach a crisis point.
Know where you are
How caregiving strain tends to build, from coping to burnt out
Caregiving strain tends to build gradually rather than arrive all at once, which is part of why it can be hard to notice in yourself. The four stages below are not a diagnosis, just a way of naming where you are today so the rest of this page has somewhere to attach to.
Coping
Tired most days, and some weeks feel like a slog, but you can still see the shape of a normal week and there is usually a moment in it that is yours.
What helps at this stage
Keep whatever is working now. This is a good point to write down what a typical week involves, in case you need to hand part of it to someone else later.
Strained
Meals, sleep or your own appointments are starting to slip. You are short with people over small things, and the phone ringing makes your stomach drop before you know who it is.
What helps at this stage
Bring in a few hours of paid help now rather than waiting for the strain to build further. Even one regular visit a week from a carer can take enough off the list to matter.
Burnt out
Little feels like it lifts, including things that used to. You may feel flat rather than upset, or so wound up that rest does not settle you, and caring for someone you love can start to feel like a duty with the feeling drained out of it.
What helps at this stage
Worth raising with your GP rather than working through alone. A break away from caregiving, from a few hours to a couple of weeks, is worth arranging now rather than waiting for a crisis to force it.
Recovering
Some days are better and some are worse, and that unevenness is normal rather than a sign you are doing it wrong. Recovery rarely comes back in a straight line.
What helps at this stage
Keep whatever support you put in place even once you feel better, rather than dropping it the moment you have a good week.
Every caregiver's hardest moment is different, and what is the hardest thing about being a caregiver? explores why the answer varies so much from one family to another. Why is caregiving so stressful? looks at what makes this particular kind of stress build the way it does, and the signs of caregiver burnout goes further into the burnt out stage above if that is where you recognise yourself.
If you are already past burnout and rebuilding, how long does carer burnout last? sets out a realistic timescale rather than a promise of a fixed number of weeks. And if you are at the burnt out stage now, when to consider respite care is written for exactly this point, when it is hard to tell whether you have reached the moment to ask for a break. What is respite care? covers what a break involves and what it costs, from a few hours with a paid carer to a short stay elsewhere for your relative.
Two feelings nobody warns you about
Loneliness and resentment are common, not a failure
Two feelings catch caregivers out because nobody warns them in advance: how lonely the role can be even surrounded by family, and how much resentment can build toward the very people you are trying to help. Neither one means you are doing this badly.
What tends to ease it
- Naming the feeling out loud to one person who will not judge you for it, rather than carrying it alone
- Keeping one relationship or activity that has nothing to do with caregiving, even if it is small
- Asking a family member for one specific task rather than a general offer of help
- Treating resentment as a sign that you need more support, not as evidence about your character
What tends to make it worse
- Waiting for family to notice unprompted, which rarely happens even when they would help if asked
- Letting every friendship slide because there is no time left for any of them
- Keeping resentment private until it comes out as anger at the person you are caring for
Is being a caregiver lonely? goes further into why the role can isolate you even when you are rarely alone, and how do I stop being resentful as a caregiver? has more on where resentment tends to come from and what tends to help.
When it goes deeper
When caregiving leaves a deeper mark than everyday stress
Ordinary caregiving stress and caregiver trauma are not the same thing, and it is worth knowing the difference. Trauma can come from a single frightening event, or it can build up from years of vigilance and loss.
Terms worth knowing
- Caregiver trauma
- A lasting reaction to caregiving that goes beyond ordinary tiredness, whether triggered by one frightening event, such as finding someone collapsed, or by the accumulated weight of years of watching someone decline.
- Secondary traumatic stress
- Stress absorbed from witnessing someone else's pain or fear repeatedly, common among people caring for someone with a serious or worsening condition.
- Anticipatory grief
- Grief felt in advance of a loss that has not happened yet, common when caring for someone whose condition is expected to worsen over time.
- Compassion fatigue
- A gradual numbing that can follow long periods of caring for someone, where the emotional response that used to be there starts to feel harder to find.
What is caregiver trauma? goes into the signs in more detail and what tends to help. If what you are feeling is close to any of the terms above, NHS talking therapies can be self-referred without seeing a GP first, and if you need to talk to someone right now, Samaritans are free to call any time on 116 123, or you can text SHOUT to 85258 through Shout.
Looking after yourself
Why self-care is part of the job, not a distraction from it
Self-care can sound like an indulgence when there is already too much to do, but the person you are caring for depends on you being able to sustain this, not just get through today.
- 1
Protect one slot of rest a week
Every weekEven two hours that are reliably yours, not squeezed in if there is time, makes a difference to how the rest of the week feels. - 2
Keep one thing that is not about caregiving
OngoingA friend you still see, a class you still go to, a call you still take. It does not need to be large to matter. - 3
Accept a specific offer of help
When it comesIf someone offers to collect a prescription or sit with your relative for an hour, say yes rather than the automatic no. It makes the next offer easier to accept too. - 4
Ask the council for a carer's assessment
Free, separate from your relative'sThis looks at what support you need as the carer, not just what your relative needs, and any carer can ask for one whatever their financial circumstances. - 5
See your GP if the signs above are ringing true
If neededYour own health is not something to leave until your relative is settled. A GP appointment for you is a normal step, not a failure to cope.
How do you look after yourself as a carer? goes further into each of these, and what is a carer's assessment? covers exactly how to ask your council for one and what it can lead to.
If you love a caregiver
How to help a friend or relative who is caregiving
If someone you love is caregiving for a parent or partner, wanting to help is easy. Knowing what helps is harder.
Offer a named task, not a general offer
Ask about them, not just the person they care for
Give an unbroken break, not a five minute favour
Check in on the quiet weeks, not just the crises
How do you cheer up a caregiver? has more specific ideas, from small gestures to bigger ones, for anyone who wants to support a friend or relative through this.
Getting practical help
Practical ways to lighten the load
Once you recognise you need support, a handful of concrete options reduce the hours or the pressure, not just how you feel about carrying them.
If your relative is nearing the end of their life, is respite care end-of-life care? explains how a break fits at that stage. If your own job is also under strain, balancing work with caregiving covers the legal rights that can help, and if you employ a carer directly yourself, fair treatment for the carer who looks after your parent covers what you owe them in return.
Questions
Questions caregivers ask
About 5 million people in England and Wales gave unpaid care to a family member or friend at the last census, and around 152,000 of them were giving 50 hours a week or more. If that sounds like more people than you expected, you are one of a very large number rather than a rare exception.
Stress usually still lifts once the immediate pressure eases, such as after a difficult appointment or a bad week. Burnout is more persistent: little feels like it lifts, including things that used to, and it can leave you feeling flat rather than simply tired. The signs of caregiver burnout go into this in more detail.
Yes. Resentment toward someone you love, or toward relatives who are not helping, is a common reaction to an unfair or exhausting situation, not evidence that you are a bad person or a bad carer. How do I stop being resentful as a caregiver? covers where it tends to come from and what helps.
Yes, it is a separate assessment. Under the Care Act 2014, any carer can ask their local council for a carer's assessment, which looks at what support you need to keep caring and to have a life alongside it, rather than what your relative needs. It is free and does not depend on your income. What is a carer's assessment? covers how to ask for one.
Sometimes, through Carer's Allowance if you care 35 hours a week or more and your own earnings are under the limit, or in some cases by being paid directly by your parent depending on how their care is funded. Carer's Allowance covers eligibility and how to claim, and can my mum pay me to care for her? covers the direct payment route.
Samaritans are free to call any time, day or night, on 116 123, and Shout offers free confidential text support if you text SHOUT to 85258. Carers UK's helpline, on 0808 808 7777 (Monday to Friday, 9am to 6pm), gives advice specifically for people caring for someone else, including benefits and practical support.
Caring for someone with dementia often adds an extra layer, including changes in the relationship itself as the condition progresses. Dementia care covers the practical and emotional sides of that specific condition in more depth than this general guide.
Talk to your GP, and look at a break sooner rather than later. Respite care can mean anything from a few hours with a paid carer to a short stay elsewhere for your relative, and how long does carer burnout last? sets out a realistic timescale for recovery once you have taken that first step.