The short answer
- The guilt usually comes from a few specific thoughtsThey will dislike the replacement, they will feel abandoned, nobody else does it properly, and you should be able to cope. Each has something true in it, and something that is not.
- Care from somebody who has rested is usually better carePatience and attention are the first things tiredness wears down. A break is part of looking after them, not time taken away from it.
- Make the first break short and familiarAn afternoon rather than a fortnight, with a carer your relative has already met, a date given in advance, and the routine written down.
- Decide beforehand how much you want to hearAgree one message a day, or none unless something changes, so you are not checking your phone all afternoon.
Written for family carers in England. This page is about a break, which ends on a date and after which you carry on caring. Handing over the care for good is a different decision with its own page.
The four thoughts
The four thoughts behind the guilt, and what is true in each
Guilt about a break is rarely one feeling. It is usually a handful of particular thoughts, and each of them has some truth in it, which is why they are hard to argue with. Find the one you recognise.
The thought
They will not like the person who comes instead of me
What is true in it
They may not, at first. Somebody new does things in a different order, speaks differently and sits in a different chair, and the first day with anyone new is usually the hardest one.
What is not
Being unsettled by a new face for a day or two is not the same as being looked after badly. It is a reaction to change, and it tends to ease as the person becomes familiar.
What makes it easier
Meet the carer together before the break, with you in the room, and keep the routine exactly as it is.
The thought
They will think I have abandoned them
What is true in it
They may say so, and hearing it is hard. Somebody who is frightened, or whose memory is failing, can feel left behind even when they have been told the plan.
What is not
A break has a date on which you come back. Going away and returning when you said you would is the opposite of abandoning someone, and each time it happens they have seen you come back.
What makes it easier
Tell them in advance, write the return date where they can see it, and say a short, calm goodbye rather than slipping out.
The thought
Nobody else does it properly
What is true in it
Nobody else knows the routine the way you do. You know which mug, which pillow and which tablet goes with food, and a carer will do some things differently.
What is not
Different is not the same as wrong. Most of what you know can be written down, and a carer has usually helped other people through the same tasks.
What makes it easier
Write the day down hour by hour, and mark which things matter to your relative and which are simply how you have always done them.
The thought
I should be able to cope without help
What is true in it
You have coped, and often for a long time. That is why asking for a break can feel like admitting you have failed.
What is not
Needing rest is not a failing. The law treats it as ordinary: a council carrying out a carer's assessment has to consider whether you are able and willing to carry on caring, and whether that is likely to last.
What makes it easier
Book the first break before you reach the end of your strength, and ask the council for a carer's assessment in your own name.
None of these thoughts is foolish, and there is no need to talk yourself out of the feeling before you book anything. You can feel guilty and book the afternoon anyway, and the second break may be easier to book, because by then you will have seen how the first one went. Carers UK has a page on coping with guilt, resentment and other difficult emotions if you want to read more about the feeling itself.
This page is about a break: a set number of hours or days, after which you come home and carry on. If what you are weighing up is whether to hand over a part of the caring for good, when to hand over to a professional is written for that decision. The respite care guide covers the kinds of break and what each one costs.
Why rest helps them
The person you look after usually gets better care from somebody who has rested
Of all the reasons for taking a break, this is the one that tends to change people's minds, because it is about them rather than about you. What makes you good at caring is the part that tiredness uses up first.
Patience lasts longer
At the end of a long day
You notice more
Small changes in them
They get some company that is not you
A change for them too
You are still able to do this next year
The long view
The NHS says that respite lets you take time out to look after yourself and helps stop you becoming exhausted and run down; its page on carers' breaks and respite care lists the kinds of break available. NICE's guideline on supporting adult carers asks health and social care staff to discuss the value of a break with carers regularly, so a break is something professionals are expected to raise with you, not something you have to justify.
If it is the nights that are wearing you down, sleep deprivation and the case for a night carer sets out what months of broken sleep do and what one covered night a week changes. If you are not sure how tired you are, the signs of caregiver burnout are worth reading with yourself in mind.
Making the first break easier
How to make the first break easier on both of you
Most of the guilt is about the first time, when neither of you knows what it will be like. These four steps are about making that first time small and familiar enough that it goes well, so the next one is easier to book.
- 1
Start with a short break
An afternoon, or a morningA first break does not have to be a week away. Three hours on a weekday afternoon is enough to see how your relative gets on and how you feel. At £18 to £25 an hour with our fee included, three hours costs £54 to £75, and the smallest booking is a single one-hour visit. - 2
Choose a carer your relative has met
Before the day itselfBook an hour with you there, so your relative meets the carer in their own home with you in the room. The first break is then with somebody they have seen before, not a stranger at the door on the morning you leave. - 3
Tell them in advance
A few days beforeSay when you are going, where, and when you will be back, and put it on a calendar or a note where they can see it. A plan that has been talked about is easier to accept than one that arrives on the day. - 4
Write the routine down
The week beforeMeals, tablets, the programme they watch and the chair they sit in. A carer following the day your relative is used to makes the afternoon feel less strange to them, and means nobody has to ring you to ask.
When you are ready to look, you can search for carers near you and compare their rates, read their profiles and reviews, and message the ones who could do an afternoon. Every carer on PrimeCarers has had an identity check, a right to work check and an enhanced DBS check on the Update Service, and has been interviewed online. They are self-employed and insured while they work. Experience and training are the carer's own account, so ask about those when you talk to them.
Planning respite for the first time goes through the hand-over notes in detail, and respite at home or in a care home compares the two if you are unsure where your relative would be happier. If your relative has dementia, respite for dementia covers building up to a break more gradually, respite for parents of a disabled adult does the same for a son or daughter who finds new people hard, and how do you get someone to accept care? helps if they refuse the idea.
While you are away
What to do with the guilt while you are away
The guilt does not always stay at home. It can follow you out of the door and spend the afternoon with you. A little planning beforehand helps you keep the time for yourself.
What tends to help
- Agree with the carer before you go how often you want to hear, and what counts as worth ringing about
- Plan what you will do with the time, even if it is only sleep, so it does not fill up with jobs
- Leave a second number for someone who can decide things if you cannot be reached
- Expect the first afternoon to feel strange, and judge the break by how your relative is when you get back
- Tell somebody you trust how it went, including the parts you found hard
What tends to make it harder
- Checking your phone every few minutes, or ringing the house to see how things are
- Spending the time on their shopping, their paperwork or their appointments
- Coming home early because you feel guilty rather than because something has happened
- Treating one difficult moment on the first day as proof that the break was a mistake
- Waiting until you are desperate before booking the next one
If your relative is upset when you get back, or tells you they did not like it, listen and ask what was hard. Some of it can be fixed next time, such as a different time of day or a routine written more clearly. Some of it is the unease of a first time, and that tends to fade as the carer becomes familiar.
A carer's assessment from the council is worth asking for alongside all of this. It is your right in your own name under section 10 of the Care Act 2014, and it can lead to help with the cost of breaks. What is a carer's assessment? explains how to ask for one.
Questions
Questions carers ask about the guilt of taking a break
No. A break keeps you well enough to carry on, and the person you look after usually gets better care from somebody who has rested. NICE asks health and social care staff to talk to carers regularly about the value of having a break, which is a sign it is seen as part of caring rather than a step away from it.
It is hard to see, and it does not mean you are doing the wrong thing. Tell her in advance, say when you will be back, and keep the goodbye short and calm. Leaving her with a carer she has already met helps. Ask the carer to let you know how she settled, because the upset can pass soon after the door closes.
They will do some things differently, and most of that does not matter. Write down the things that do, such as how your relative takes their tablets or what upsets them, and say which parts are habit. Carers on PrimeCarers are self-employed, so you agree the outcome you want with them and they decide how the task is done. Preparing for your carer’s first day covers what to have ready.
You can, but the time you booked is still owed. Under the contract, a visit the client cancels is payable in full, except for unplanned hospitalisation, illness, or another reason agreed with the carer. PrimeCarers charges nothing itself to cancel. If you are home early, the carer can stay for the hours you booked while you rest.
Not an afternoon or a week. GOV.UK says you can still get Carer’s Allowance if you temporarily stop providing care. You have to tell the DWP if you stop caring for more than 28 days, or if either of you will be in hospital, a nursing home or respite care for more than 12 weeks. Carer’s Allowance explained covers the rules.