Companionship for older men, and why it can be hard to accept

This is not true of every man, and the reasons below apply to plenty of women as well. But there is research on how older men experience loneliness that is worth knowing about. Age UK's summary of Older Men at the Margins, a study led by Dr Paul Willis at the University of Bristol, describes men who talked about lacking purpose and feeling of little value to others, and who worried about stigma and embarrassment and felt they had to be independent and self-reliant. Single men in that study also described feeling uncomfortable as the only person on their own in a group of couples, which is worth remembering before you suggest a club your parents used to go to together.

A 2014 report by the International Longevity Centre UK and Independent Age, Isolation: the emerging crisis for older men, found that 23% of older men in England had less than monthly contact with their children, against 15% of older women. It says nothing certain about your own father, but it is a reason not to assume the family will fill the gap on its own.

So the word "company" can carry more weight than you intend. What your father hears may be that he is lonely, that he cannot manage, or that you are worried enough to pay somebody. The grid below sets out things a father might say and ways of putting the same offer that tend to be easier to accept.

If your father was widowed recently, the first year brings its own problems: the jobs his wife always did, meals, the evenings, the dates in the calendar. Company after a bereavement covers that year. The wider guide to companionship care explains what companions do.

The point is that the activity comes first and the company comes with it. Once he has decided that Tuesday is the day the shed gets sorted, the visit belongs to him rather than to you. A companion who comes to do something with him is also easier to describe to his friends, which may matter to him.

What happens in an ordinary visit, from arriving to leaving, is set out in what a companion visit looks like, hour by hour. For more ideas, including what suits somebody who cannot get far, activities to try with a companionship carer has a longer list, and if he rarely leaves the house now, companionship for someone who is housebound builds a week of visits around bringing the outside in. If the visits you have in mind are mostly outings, can carers take you out covers appointments, days out and what changes when a visit leaves the house.

On PrimeCarers the carer search has a female or male filter, applied before you read a single profile, so the results only contain the carers you asked for. A search set to men near a small town may turn up only a few names. Widening the distance is usually the quickest way to see more people. Asking for a male or female carer, a language or a faith explains how the filter works and what to do if the search finds nobody.

The sex of the companion is only one part of it. Read the profiles for interests he shares, and if the visits will be trips out, finding a carer who drives narrows the search to carers who have said they drive.

The UK Men's Sheds Association is the organisation to know about here. Men's Sheds are community spaces where people meet to make, mend and repair things, and the association's website has a page to find a shed near your father. What each shed runs, when it opens and who it welcomes is set locally, so look at the shed's own details or ring them rather than relying on a description from us.

The free routes are covered in more detail in befriender, volunteer visitor or a paid companion, which sets out what each costs, how long it takes to start and what it will not cover. For planning a whole week so no day is left empty, how do you help a lonely elderly person puts family, groups, helplines and paid help together.

1. 1

   Pick one gap in his week

   Before you say anything

   Work out when he is on his own longest, or which thing he has stopped doing. A single Sunday afternoon or a Friday trip to the club is easier to agree to than a plan for the whole week.
2. 2

   Look at profiles with him

   Together, at his table

   Search carers near him and read three or four profiles side by side. Ask which one he would be willing to meet. If he says none, ask what he did not like, and search again with that in mind.
3. 3

   Let him speak to the person first

   Free, and no obligation

   A phone or video call before anything is booked lets him hear the person and ask his own questions. You can sit in, or leave him to it if he would prefer.
4. 4

   Book one visit with a purpose

   The first visit

   Give the first visit a job: the shed, the drive, the match. You can be there for the start and then go out. Book nothing after it until he has said what he thought.
5. 5

   Ask him afterwards, and be ready to change

   The next few days

   If it went well, agree a regular day with the carer. If he did not get on with the person, that is useful to know. Try somebody else, rather than deciding that companionship does not suit him.

If he refuses outright, you cannot make the decision for him while he is able to make it himself. An adult with mental capacity is entitled to turn down help, including help his family thinks he needs. Mental capacity and how it is assessed explains where that line sits. What you can do is leave the door open, keep visiting and calling, and raise it again in a different way when something changes, such as a stay in hospital or a winter that went badly. How do you get someone to accept care has more on handling a refusal without it turning into an argument.

An outing is paid at the carer's hourly rate, in the same way as a visit at home. What changes is the extras. If the carer drives your father in their own car, mileage or travel time is chargeable only if you and the carer agreed it in advance and in writing. How much does a companion carer cost has the full range and the sums for a longer week.

When your father has said who he would be willing to meet, search for carers near him and compare their rates.