Company after a bereavement: the first year alone

The first fortnight looks after itself. There are people in the house, a funeral to arrange, and administration that has to be done in a set order. It is exhausting rather than empty. Where the parent who has gone was also the one doing the caring, that fortnight is not quiet at all, and what has to be covered in the first week deals with the care that went with them.

What follows is different. The callers go back to work, the cards come down off the mantelpiece, and a diary that was full has nothing in it. For somebody in their eighties who has lived with the same person since their twenties, this is the first time nobody is in the house. Meals are for one, and there is nobody to say anything to about the weather or the man who came to read the meter.

The Office for National Statistics looked at which adults report feeling lonely most often, using the Community Life Survey from August 2016 to March 2017. In the group it described as widowed people aged 65 and over, living alone, in worse general health and owning their home, 69% said they felt lonely occasionally or more often. That is not a prediction about your parent, but it is a reason to plan for the empty weeks.

What helps with an empty diary is something fixed in it. A weekly visit on the same day gives the week a hinge: something to get dressed for on the Tuesday and something to talk about on the Thursday. Companionship care is built around that, and how do you help an elderly person who is lonely? covers what family, neighbours and local groups can do alongside it.

Some of these are unfamiliar rather than impossible, and one afternoon showing somebody how the heating timer works settles them for good. Others are now beyond what your parent can manage safely, and those need arranging properly rather than a promise to pop round. The question to ask about each job is not whether they could do it, but whether they will do it every week for a year.

On the paperwork, the government's Tell Us Once service reports a death to most government organisations in one go, including HMRC, the Department for Work and Pensions, the DVLA, the Passport Office and the local council. A household that goes from two adults to one also qualifies for a council tax discount: GOV.UK states that you get 25% off your bill if you live on your own, and the council will not apply it unless asked. Income falls as well, which can open up Pension Credit and the help that comes with it; council tax, VAT relief, Pension Credit and grants sets out what to check.

Two things are worth knowing before anybody spends time on them. Bereavement Support Payment is only for people who were under State Pension age when their partner died, so it will not apply to a parent in their eighties. What may apply is an increase in their own State Pension based on their husband or wife's National Insurance record, and GOV.UK sets out the rules, which depend on when each of them reached State Pension age. If driving is the gap, you can search for a carer who drives.

Age UK's work on malnutrition estimates that around 1 in 10 people over 65 are malnourished or at risk of it, and names bereavement and narrowing social groups among the things that reduce an older person's appetite. The NHS says malnutrition affects people who are socially isolated, have limited mobility or a low income, and that the sign to act on is unintentional weight loss of 5% to 10% or more over three to six months, with tiredness, weakness and slow-clearing infections. Not eating and drinking enough also makes falls and confusion more likely, which is how a quiet problem in the kitchen becomes a hospital admission. There is more in what happens when an older person does not eat enough.

Nights are worth separating from the rest. Being sad at night is part of being bereaved and is not a care problem. Being frightened at night, unsteady on the stairs in the dark, or awake from two until six is a practical problem with answers that do not involve moving anybody. Overnight care covers what a night carer does and what it costs.

The practical side matters as much as the company. Companionship with light housekeeping sets out what a companion can do around the house without it becoming personal care, and can carers take you out? covers trips out, which is how somebody who has stopped leaving the house starts again.

When you are ready to look at people, search for carers near your parent and compare their profiles and rates. Every carer on PrimeCarers has had an identity check, a right to work check and an enhanced DBS check on the Update Service, and has been interviewed online, before their profile appears. Carers are insured while they work. PrimeCarers is an introductory service rather than a care agency, so you choose the carer and agree the visits and the rate directly with them. What a carer says about their experience is their own account on their profile, for your family to check with them. Finding the right in-home companion goes through what to ask.

1. 1

   Start with a bereavement charity

   Free, and no referral needed

   Cruse Bereavement Support is the national charity for bereaved people. Marie Curie supports bereaved family and friends, Age UK has bereavement information for older people, and Independent Age advises older people and their families. Contact any of them directly.
2. 2

   Talk to the GP if day-to-day life has stopped

   Any time

   The NHS advises seeing a GP if a low mood has lasted more than two weeks, if somebody is struggling to cope, or if what they have tried themselves is not helping. Adults can also refer themselves to an NHS talking therapies service.
3. 3

   Arrange company separately from counselling

   Different jobs

   Counselling is an appointment about the bereavement. A companion visit is an ordinary afternoon that has nothing to do with it, and neither replaces the other.
4. 4

   Start with one visit a week and adjust

   Week one

   Book a single visit at a fixed time, tell the carer plainly what has happened and what your parent likes, and see how the first month goes. Visits change as you agree them with the carer, on 48 hours' notice for hourly care under the client contract.

These organisations are independent of PrimeCarers, so contact them directly for what they offer: Cruse Bereavement Support, Marie Curie, Age UK, Independent Age, The Silver Line and the NHS page on grief and bereavement. On our side, mental health in later life covers depression and anxiety in older people, and signs your parent needs help at home lists the practical changes that suggest a visit or two a week would help.