The short answer
- While your parent can weigh the decision up, it is theirsThe law starts from the position that your parent can decide, and a choice you think is wrong is still their choice.
- Legal authority comes from a document, not from being next of kinIf your parent can no longer decide, the say sits with an attorney they appointed or a deputy appointed by the court.
- A council assessment gives everyone the same set of factsA care needs assessment is free, anyone can ask for one, and it puts an outsider’s written view in front of everybody.
- Write down the week, then price itCarers on PrimeCarers charge £18 to £25 an hour with our fee included, against £28 to £35 through an agency.
This page covers England and Wales. Scotland and Northern Ireland have their own laws on capacity and council assessments, so some detail differs there.
Whose decision it is
Who holds the decision, and who does not
Whose decision it is turns on whether your parent can weigh up the particular decision in front of them. Find the row that describes your parent to see what the rest of you can do.
Where your parent is
Whose decision it is
What that leaves the rest of you
Position one
Where your parent is
Position one
Your parent can understand the choice, hold it in mind long enough to weigh it up, and say what they want.
Whose decision it is
Your parent, on their own.
What that leaves the rest of you
All of you can give them information, tell them what worries you and disagree with each other. None of you can overrule them, and a choice you think is wrong is still theirs to make. The work here is persuasion rather than authority.
Position two
Where your parent is
Position two
Your parent cannot weigh up this particular decision, and made a health and welfare lasting power of attorney while they still could.
Whose decision it is
The attorney or attorneys named in it, deciding in your parent’s best interests.
What that leaves the rest of you
Attorneys appointed "jointly" have to agree with each other before anything can be decided. Appointed "jointly and severally", any one of them can decide alone. Either way, whoever decides has to take the views of anyone caring for your parent, or interested in their welfare, into account.
Position three
Where your parent is
Position three
Your parent cannot weigh up this particular decision and there is no lasting power of attorney and no deputy.
Whose decision it is
Whoever is making that decision at the time, usually the social worker, the GP or the hospital team.
What that leaves the rest of you
Every one of you has the right to be asked what you think, and none of you has a casting vote. Being the eldest, living nearest or being listed as next of kin does not carry legal authority on its own. Any of you can apply to the Court of Protection to be appointed as a deputy.
If it cannot be settled
Where your parent is
If it cannot be settled
Your parent cannot weigh up the decision, the family cannot agree, and the decision still has to be made.
Whose decision it is
The Court of Protection, on an application from any of you.
What that leaves the rest of you
The court can make a one-off ruling about where your parent lives or what care they receive, or appoint a deputy to make ongoing decisions. It is slow and it costs money, so it is worth trying mediation and a fresh assessment first.
The Mental Capacity Act 2005 assumes every adult can make their own decisions unless it is shown otherwise, and capacity is judged decision by decision rather than as a general verdict on a person. Your parent can be able to decide about a carer in the mornings and unable to weigh up a decision about surgery the same afternoon. A choice that worries you is not, on its own, evidence that they cannot decide. Can an elderly person be forced into care in the UK? goes through where that line sits.
Where a parent can no longer weigh a decision up, the authority to decide comes from one of two places and no others: an attorney your parent appointed while they still could, or a deputy appointed by the Court of Protection. Making decisions on behalf of someone sets out both routes, and if nobody knows whether your parent made a power of attorney you can search the register held by the Office of the Public Guardian.
Two details settle a lot of family arguments. Where attorneys were appointed "jointly", gov.uk's guidance on choosing attorneys is blunt: they must all agree or they cannot make the decision. And whoever makes a best interests decision has to take into account the views of anyone caring for your parent or interested in their welfare. A brother two hundred miles away and a sister who does the shopping both count.
If the sibling you disagree with holds power of attorneySection titled If%20the%20sibling%20you%20disagree%20with%20holds%20power%20of%20attorney
A power of attorney gives one sibling a legal role, but a limited one. A property and financial affairs attorney deals with your parent's money and property, and it gives them no say over where your parent lives, what care they have or who visits. A health and welfare attorney can make those decisions, but only when your parent cannot make the particular decision themselves, and always in your parent's best interests. The Mental Capacity Act Code of Practice (paragraphs 7.21 to 7.23) includes who your parent has contact with among those decisions, and says a parent can exclude it in the document, in which case keeping a relative away would need the Court of Protection. When a sibling has power of attorney covers what an attorney can and cannot do, and where to go if you are worried.
Four decisions, not one
Separating the four things being argued about as one
Families argue about care as a single question, when it is four questions with different answers. Split them up and you no longer have to agree about everything at once.
What help your parent needs
A question of fact
Where your parent lives
Your parent’s decision, while they can make it
Who pays, and out of whose money
Your parent’s money first
Who in the family does what
The hardest one to agree
The fourth question is the one that hurts, and it is hard to settle while it is discussed in the abstract. A sibling nearby carries small interruptions a sibling two hours away does not see, one further off may be carrying the money or a job they cannot leave, and a sibling with a difficult history with your parent may have decided how much they can do. Writing out the week, task by task, gives you something to divide. Holding a family meeting about care covers how to talk it through so that everyone, your parent included, is heard, and sharing the care between siblings covers the rota, the money and the review once you broadly agree what your parent needs. How can I take care of my elderly parents remotely? has jobs a distant sibling can take on, and the challenges of caring for an elderly parent covers the pressure on whoever does most. If one of you is doing nearly everything and the others have stepped back, when siblings are not helping is written for that position.
Care at home or a care home sets the two options out side by side, and can my mum pay me to care for her? covers the tax and council rules where the family is considering paying one sibling for hours they already do.
An outside view
Getting the facts assessed by somebody outside the family
Each of you is arguing from what you have seen yourself. An assessor with no history with any of you puts a written account in place of opinion, and all of the following are free.
- 1
Ask the council for a care needs assessment
Free, and anyone can askA social worker or occupational therapist looks at how your parent manages washing, dressing, cooking and getting about, and writes down what help is needed. A sibling living elsewhere can ask for it. - 2
Ask for a carer’s assessment for whoever is doing the most
Separate, and also freeThis looks at the person doing the caring rather than the person cared for, and can lead to a break, practical help or a small budget. - 3
Ask the GP if capacity or a change in behaviour is the question
If it appliesRaise this only where something specific points to it, such as confusion, memory loss or a personality change, not because your parent is choosing something you disagree with. - 4
Find out whether a power of attorney already exists
Half an hourA registered power of attorney may already settle who decides. The Office of the Public Guardian keeps a searchable register.
The council's duty to assess is in the Care Act 2014, and section 10 puts it plainly for carers: the duty applies regardless of the council's view of the level of need or of anyone's financial resources. So a family cannot be turned away because somebody assumes your parent has too much money to qualify. The NHS pages on getting a care needs assessment and on carer's assessments explain how to ask, and council funding for care at home and the carer's assessment cover what follows.
Before the assessment, agree who will be there and who will speak. Four siblings contradicting each other in front of the social worker makes a hard hour for your parent and a muddled record, so one or two of you with a written list from the others is better.
Writing the plan down
Writing a plan the whole family can read
Once you know what your parent needs, put it on one page and send it to everybody. A written plan moves the argument from what each of you believes to what is on the page.
What to put on the page
0 of 8 ticked
The week
Who does what
How everyone knows what is happening
When paid help is needed, you can search for carers near you and compare their rates, experience and reviews before anyone commits. Looking is free, and a named person with an hourly rate is easier to discuss than a vague idea of getting carers in. How many visits a week does my parent need? works the hours out from the tasks.
PrimeCarers is an introductory service rather than an agency, so the family chooses the carer and agrees the visits directly. Before a profile appears, a carer's identity and right to work are checked, an enhanced DBS check (or PVG in Scotland, Access NI in Northern Ireland) issued within the last 18 months is confirmed, and they are interviewed online. We do not check training, qualifications or references, so check those with the carer. References from past employers and families can appear on a carer's profile alongside reviews from PrimeCarers bookings.
Paying for it
What paid care costs, and what each of you is agreeing to
Money arguments are easier once the numbers are real. Here is what each kind of care costs.
| What it covers | On PrimeCarers | Through an agency | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Hourly visits | Washing, dressing, medication, meals and the weekly jobs, on the days you choose | £18 to £25 an hour | £28 to £35 an hour |
| Overnight care | A carer in the house overnight, sleeping and there if needed | £130 to £145 a night | From £150 a night |
| Live-in care | A carer living in the house, covering the day and there at night | From £1,050 a week | About £1,400 a week |
Hourly visits
- What it covers
- Washing, dressing, medication, meals and the weekly jobs, on the days you choose
- On PrimeCarers
- £18 to £25 an hour
- Through an agency
- £28 to £35 an hour
Overnight care
- What it covers
- A carer in the house overnight, sleeping and there if needed
- On PrimeCarers
- £130 to £145 a night
- Through an agency
- From £150 a night
Live-in care
- What it covers
- A carer living in the house, covering the day and there at night
- On PrimeCarers
- From £1,050 a week
- Through an agency
- About £1,400 a week
PrimeCarers figures are what families pay, with our fee included. Companionship visits run from £15 to £20 an hour. A care home place averages £1,160 a week. Past about 35 hours a week, live-in care costs less than the same hours in visits.
Care is normally paid for out of your parent's own income and savings. In England the council carries out a financial assessment: capital above £23,250 means paying for their own care, capital below £14,250 is disregarded, and between the two the council contributes on a sliding scale. Attendance Allowance is not means-tested, so check it whatever your parent's savings, and the care cost calculator shows where your family sits.
If one of you looks after your parent's money, the owner of a PrimeCarers account can give that person Finance access, which covers invoices and payments only. The bill belongs to the account as a whole, so sharing the cost between siblings is for you to agree. Paying for care as an attorney sets out what an attorney may spend.
If one sibling is being asked to give up work or hours to cover the care, put a figure on that too. Lost pay, lost pension and the cost of replacing those hours belong in the same conversation. Cancelled and late visits covers what happens when a booked visit does not go ahead, and the guide to care plans covers what a fuller written plan contains.
If you are still stuck
What to do if the family still cannot agree
Some disagreements do not resolve with better information, because they carry twenty or thirty years of other things. The first useful move is to stop trying to win and start protecting your parent's care from the argument.
What tends to help
- Agreeing a short trial with a review date rather than settling the whole future at once
- Putting the decision back to your parent wherever they can still make it, and asking them in front of everyone
- Bringing in a neutral third person: a social worker, an advocate or a mediator
- Writing to the others afterwards with what you understood was agreed
What tends to make it worse
- Making arrangements and telling the others afterwards
- Using your parent to carry messages between the siblings
- Reading a refusal to help as proof of how somebody feels, when it may be money, health or shame
- Letting an argument about money delay care your parent needs now
Independent help outside the familySection titled Independent%20help%20outside%20the%20family
Mediation is a realistic step before anything legal, because it costs less than court and takes less time. It is paid for. The Civil Mediation Council, a charity, has a search for registered mediators, and its community mediators take on disputes between family members.
An advocate does a different job: they help your parent say what they want. If your parent would have substantial difficulty taking part in a council assessment or care plan and there is nobody suitable to support them, section 67 of the Care Act 2014 requires the council to arrange an independent advocate. The Care Act statutory guidance (paragraphs 7.32 to 7.36) says a relative may not be suitable, for example where they have had little recent contact or have a conflict of interest, and that your parent's wish not to be supported by a particular relative must be respected. The NHS page on someone to speak up for you explains how to ask the council and lists advocacy charities you can contact directly.
For whoever is doing most of the caring, a local carers' centre offers support for unpaid carers and, in some areas, replacement care so you can take a break. Carers Trust lists its local partners, although not every area has one. The Carers UK helpline is on 0808 808 7777 from Monday to Friday, 9am to 6pm, and the Age UK Advice Line is on 0800 678 1602 from 8am to 7pm every day of the year. Citizens Advice covers looking after somebody. Age UK's factsheet on powers of attorney and deputyship covers both in full.
If a sibling holding power of attorney is using it against your parent's interests, there is a specific route: report a concern about an attorney or deputy to the Office of the Public Guardian, which investigates. Where your parent lacks capacity and a decision cannot be agreed, the Court of Protection can rule on where they live or what care they receive, and applying to become a deputy is the other route. Both take months, so keep the care going while you use them.
Questions
Questions families ask when siblings disagree
Your parent does, for as long as they can understand and weigh up the particular decision in front of them. That is the starting position under the Mental Capacity Act 2005, even where the family is sure they are choosing badly. If your parent can no longer weigh a decision up, the say passes to an attorney under a health and welfare lasting power of attorney, or to a court-appointed deputy.
No. Being the eldest, living nearest or being recorded as next of kin carries no legal authority to decide on somebody else's behalf in England and Wales. Authority comes from a lasting power of attorney your parent made, or from a deputyship granted by the Court of Protection.
An attorney has to act in your parent's best interests, and that includes taking into account the views of anyone caring for your parent or interested in their welfare. Put your concerns to them in writing so there is a record. If you believe they are acting against your parent's interests, you can report a concern to the Office of the Public Guardian, which can investigate. When a sibling has power of attorney goes through this in more detail.
Only a health and welfare attorney can decide who your parent sees, and only when your parent cannot make that decision, in their best interests, and where the document does not exclude it. A property and financial affairs attorney has no say over visits. If you believe an attorney is keeping you away without good reason, you can report a concern to the Office of the Public Guardian or apply to the Court of Protection.
It depends how your parent appointed you. Attorneys appointed "jointly" must all agree or they cannot make the decision, while attorneys appointed "jointly and severally" can each act alone. The document says which applies, and if joint attorneys are deadlocked the Court of Protection can decide the point.
Ask the council for a care needs assessment. It is free, anyone can ask for one, and it produces an outside written account of what your parent can and cannot manage. Ask for a carer's assessment at the same time for whoever is doing the most.
Price it rather than debate it. Write down the tasks and days, then attach the cost: carers on PrimeCarers charge £18 to £25 an hour with our fee included, against £28 to £35 through an agency. Care is paid for out of your parent's own income and savings first, not out of yours.