When your brothers and sisters are not helping

This page is about an uneven load: one of you doing most of the care while the others do little. If the argument is about what your parent needs or where they should live, when siblings disagree about a parent's care covers who holds that decision. The elderly care guide has the wider picture.

It also helps to know where the law stands, because it shapes what you can ask for. Adult children in England have no legal duty to care for a parent, and neither does anybody else in the family. The Care Act 2014 puts the duty to meet a person's eligible care needs on their local council, and the statutory guidance to the Act says a council should not assume that others are willing or able to take up caring roles. That works in both directions. You cannot make a brother or sister help, and they cannot make you carry on doing it all. Am I legally responsible for my elderly parent? sets out the few situations where a legal duty can arise, such as becoming an attorney or signing as a guarantor.

If the sibling's distance comes from a painful past with your parent, caring for a parent with a difficult history is written for that situation, and it may help you understand theirs.

1. 1

   Keep a record for two weeks

   A few minutes a day

   Write down every job, who did it and roughly how long it took. Include the phone calls, the forms, the night your parent rang at two in the morning and the evening spent in a hospital car park.
2. 2

   Add up the hours

   One evening

   Put a weekly total at the bottom. A number is harder to wave away than a description of being tired, and it is the same figure you will need for a carer's assessment or a Carer's Allowance claim.
3. 3

   Send it as information rather than a complaint

   With a short note

   Say what the fortnight held, what you can keep doing, and that you will be asking each of them for something specific. Leave out what they did or did not do in the past, because that is the part they will argue with.
4. 4

   Let them read the updates for themselves

   From then on

   A sibling who reads how the week went, in your words or in a paid carer's, no longer depends on you to pass it on, and you no longer have to prove how hard it is.

Keeping a care diary covers what to write down and how, and the same diary helps at the GP and at a council assessment. If the family then wants to divide the jobs properly, sharing the care between siblings sets out a written rota with a review date, and holding a family meeting about care covers getting everyone into one conversation. Keeping the family informed is about the regular updates themselves.

Three things make an ask more likely to hold. Name the job and the day, so it is the Thursday food shop rather than the shopping. Say what the job involves, including the parts nobody enjoys, such as chasing a prescription that has not turned up. And give it an end date or a review date six or eight weeks away, so that agreeing does not feel like signing up for years. Once they have agreed, confirm it in a message, so there is no disagreement later about what was said.

If a sibling turns one ask down, ask what they could do instead and write that down too. A brother who cannot manage weekends may still take the bills, and a sister with young children may be able to do the calls in the evening once they are in bed. Caring for parents from a distance covers what a sibling far away can take on, including the legal access that jobs such as the bank and the GP need.

Before anybody puts money in, remember that care is normally paid for out of your parent's own income and savings, so the first question is what your parent can afford rather than what the siblings can. Where a sibling does contribute, agree the amount, how long it runs for and whether it is a gift or a loan, and write it down. Sharing the care between siblings covers that agreement. If the fairest answer is that your parent pays you for the hours you already give, can my mum pay me to care for her? covers what that does to your tax and your benefits.

1. 1

   Ask the council for a carer's assessment

   Free

   Anyone over 18 who cares for somebody can ask adult social services for one, and it looks at you rather than your parent. The Care Act requires it to consider whether you are able and willing to carry on caring, so you can say plainly what you will no longer do.
2. 2

   Book a break through respite care

   A few days to a fortnight

   A carer stays with your parent at home, or they have a short stay in a care home, while you rest or go away. A carer's assessment can lead to somebody taking over the caring so that you can have a break.
3. 3

   Pay for visits from your parent's own money

   £18 to £25 an hour

   Paid visits for the hardest parts of the week, such as the mornings or the weekly shop, take load off you whatever your sibling decides. If your parent can make the decision, it is theirs, and it is paid for from their income and savings.
4. 4

   Check whether you can claim Carer's Allowance

   £86.45 a week

   For somebody caring at least 35 hours a week who earns £204 or less a week after tax, National Insurance and expenses, where the parent gets a qualifying benefit such as Attendance Allowance. Only one person can claim it for the same parent.
5. 5

   Tell your GP that you are a carer

   At your next appointment

   It gives the surgery a reason to ask how you are, and it is worth doing before you are exhausted rather than after.

The carer's assessment is the step to take first. Section 10 of the Care Act 2014 says it must look at whether you are able, and willing, to carry on providing care, and the NHS says it is free and can lead to someone taking over so you can have a break, help with transport and household jobs, and contact with a support group. Tell the assessor what you do, what your siblings do, and what you can no longer keep up. Respite care explains the options for a break, and Carer's Allowance explained covers the claim and the earnings limit.

If you have decided to bring in paid help rather than keep waiting for a sibling, you can search for carers near you and compare their rates. PrimeCarers is an introductory service rather than an agency: you choose the carer and agree the visits with them directly. PrimeCarers checks each carer's ID, right to work and an enhanced DBS issued within the last 18 months, and interviews them online, before their profile appears. Carers are insured while they work. We do not check qualifications, training or references, so ask the carer about those. How many visits a week does my parent need? turns a list of jobs into hours.

Resentment towards a sibling can sit alongside resentment about the caring itself, and sometimes towards your parent. Feeling it does not make you a worse carer or a worse person, and how do I stop being resentful as a caregiver? goes into where it comes from. If you are losing sleep, snapping at your parent or dreading every phone call, those can be signs of carer burnout, and the answer is less caring for a while rather than more effort. Feeling guilty about taking a break is for the part of you that says you cannot stop.

Carers UK is a charity for unpaid carers, with advice and support. In England you can also refer yourself to NHS Talking Therapies for anxiety or low mood, without going through your GP first.