The short answer
- How much you do is your decisionYou can step back, stay informed, arrange care without giving it, or do some of it within limits. Each of these is a legitimate choice.
- Care can be arranged without you in the roomThe council can assess your parent, paid carers can do the personal care, and someone else can manage the money.
- A boundary works best when it is specificDecide in advance what you will and will not do, say it once, and let other people cover the rest.
- Support is there for you as wellYour GP, NHS Talking Therapies, which you can refer yourself to, and carers' organisations can all help while this goes on.
This page is about England. It does not tell you what to feel about your parent, and it does not assume you want to be closer to them.
How much you do
You can decide how much to be involved
When a parent starts to need care, other people may assume that a son or daughter will step in. Whatever your history, how much you take on is yours to decide.
The law does not decide it for you. An adult child in England has no legal duty to care for a parent or to pay for their care, and whether you are legally responsible for your elderly parent sets out the few situations, such as becoming their attorney or signing as a guarantor, where a duty can arise because of something you agreed to.
That leaves a range of choices. None of them is a verdict on your parent or on you, and you do not need to explain your choice to anyone.
You step back
- What you do
- You take no part in arranging or providing care.
- Who does the rest
- Your parent, the council and anyone else in their life. The council has to assess your parent if it appears they may need care, and meet the needs it finds eligible, whatever the family does.
- What it needs
- Nothing from you. If you are worried your parent is at risk, you can still tell the council.
You are kept informed
- What you do
- You hear about big changes, such as a hospital stay or a move, and decide each time whether to do anything.
- Who does the rest
- A sibling, a friend, the council or the GP surgery handles the day to day.
- What it needs
- An agreement with whoever is arranging care about what you want to hear, and how: an occasional email, say, or only news that matters.
You arrange care but do not provide it
- What you do
- You ask for the needs assessment, find and book paid carers, and keep an eye on how it is going, mostly by message and phone.
- Who does the rest
- Paid carers do the personal care and the regular visits. Your parent, an attorney or a deputy handles their money.
- What it needs
- A care needs assessment, paid carers, and a clear plan the carers can follow without you there.
You do some of the care, within limits
- What you do
- You take on particular tasks, such as a weekly shop or one appointment a month, that you have chosen and can manage.
- Who does the rest
- Paid carers or the council cover personal care and everything else.
- What it needs
- Limits written down and agreed, and a carer’s assessment for yourself, since the council can assess anyone who provides care for another adult.
The third option is the one people tend not to realise they have. You can make sure your parent is looked after, by getting the assessment done and paid carers in place, without washing them or helping them on the toilet yourself, sitting with them for hours or being alone with them. The practical side and the personal side of caring can be separated, and doing one without the other is a fair way to meet your parent's needs while protecting your own. If you want to see what the rest of caring for a parent involves before you decide, the guide to caring for a parent covers it.
Arranging care at a distance
The ways to get care in place while keeping your distance
Each of these lets somebody other than you do part of the work. You can use one or several.
The council's care needs assessment
Free to ask for
Paid carers for the personal care
Hourly visits or live-in
A brother, sister or friend as the main contact
If someone is willing
Someone else managing the money
An attorney or a deputy
The care needs assessment is the place to start, because it settles what your parent needs and whether the council will pay towards it, and it does not require a family member to take on any role. If you decide to pay for care rather than provide it, you can search for carers near your parent and compare their rates on their profiles. Carers on PrimeCarers charge £18 to £25 an hour with our fee included, against £28 to £35 at an agency. If you would rather not handle the scheduling yourself, the optional managed service adds 5% to the rate for monthly reviews and help with scheduling.
If your parent is at risk of harm or neglect and nobody else is involved, you can raise a concern with the council's adult social care team without taking on their care yourself, and safeguarding adults and how to report explains how.
Boundaries
Setting boundaries, and keeping them when they are tested
A boundary is a decision about what you will do. It does not depend on your parent agreeing with it, and it holds better when it is concrete.
What tends to hold
- Deciding before a conversation what you will offer, such as a phone call on Sundays or dealing with the council
- Saying it once, plainly, without a long explanation of why
- Telling the carers and anyone else involved what you have agreed to do, so they do not ring you for everything
- Ending a call or a visit when it turns hurtful, and leaving it there
- Reviewing the limit every few months on your own terms
What tends to slip
- Agreeing to things on the spot because you were asked in front of other people
- Justifying the boundary again every time it is questioned
- Being the only name on every form, so every problem comes to you
- Taking on more after a crisis and never handing it back
- Waiting until you are exhausted before saying no
Your parent may push back, and so may relatives or professionals who do not know the history. You do not owe anyone the story. A sentence such as "I can help with arranging care, but I am not able to provide it" is enough. If a hospital or a social worker assumes you will take your parent home or look after them, you can tell them that you will not, and it becomes their job to plan around that. When you are expected to be at a meeting, you can ask to join by phone, or to hear the outcome in writing.
Support for you
When old feelings come back, and where to get support
Arranging care for a parent can bring back memories and feelings you thought were settled, sometimes when you least expect it. You do not have to manage that on your own.
- 1
Talk to your GP
Your own surgeryYour GP can talk through how you are coping, refer you for help, and note that you are caring for someone if you are doing part of it. - 2
Refer yourself to NHS Talking Therapies
No GP appointment neededNHS Talking Therapies is an NHS service for difficult feelings such as low mood and worry. In England you can refer yourself if you are registered with a GP. - 3
Contact a carers' organisation
If you are doing any caringCarers UK gives information, advice and support to unpaid carers. Your local carers' centre can help as well. - 4
Ask the council what it can do for you
A carer's assessmentIf you provide any care, you can ask for a carer's assessment of your own needs, separately from your parent's.
You can find NHS Talking Therapies through the NHS self-referral page, and Carers UK through its help and advice pages. The free help for carers lists everything else a family carer in England can ask for, including a carer's assessment.
Brothers and sisters
When a brother or sister remembers your parent differently
Children of the same parent can have very different experiences of them, and a sibling may want to do much more, or much less, than you. You do not need to agree about the past to agree on a plan.
- 1
Start from what your parent needs now
The assessmentA council assessment gives you an outside view of the care needed, so the conversation is about tasks rather than about who your parent was. - 2
Divide the work by what each of you can do
Tasks, not feelingsOne of you might handle the carers, another the money, another the visits. Nobody has to take a task they cannot manage. - 3
Put the money on a formal footing
One person, with recordsIf one sibling handles your parent's money, a lasting power of attorney and simple records protect everyone. - 4
Agree how news will travel
So you are not caught outDecide who tells whom about a fall or a hospital stay, and how much detail each of you wants.
A sibling who had a kinder relationship with your parent may find your choice hard to understand, and you may find theirs hard to watch. It is reasonable to ask them to respect your limits without asking them to share your view. If the disagreement is holding up decisions, when siblings disagree about a parent's care covers who has the final say, and sharing care between siblings covers how to divide the work.
Questions
Questions adult children ask
An adult who can make the decision is allowed to refuse a care needs assessment and to refuse care, even when you think they need it. The council must still assess them if they lack the mental capacity to refuse and an assessment is in their best interests, or if they are at risk of abuse or neglect. Beyond telling the council what you know, you do not have to keep trying.
Yes. On PrimeCarers you can message, call or video chat with carers through the platform, so you can set up visits, answer questions and hear how things are going without being there. Some families also keep a written plan in the house so carers do not need to ring for routine questions.
You do not have to share your history with anyone. Do tell a carer anything that affects the care or their safety, such as your parent being verbally aggressive, and tell them which matters they should bring to you and which they should take to someone else.
Yes. Tell whoever else is involved, and ask the council to review your parent's care if you were covering needs it had counted on. If you booked carers in your own name, the notice in the carer's agreement applies: 48 hours for hourly visits, and for live-in care 7 days once 168 hours have been worked, 48 hours before that.
There is no feeling you are supposed to have about a parent who now needs care. If what you feel is getting in the way of sleep, work or the rest of your life, talk to your GP or refer yourself to NHS Talking Therapies.