Relationships, friendships and dating for adults with a learning disability

For a parent who has kept a son or daughter safe for thirty years or more, this can be the hardest part of them growing up. The worry is understandable, and it does not change where the law starts. Learning disability: the family guide covers the wider picture. This page is about friends, partners and sex, and the table below sets out the four points of law behind it.

The Act's own words are in section 27 of the Mental Capacity Act, and the court's reasoning is in the Supreme Court's JB case. The forced marriage offence is in section 121 of the 2014 Act, and the government's forced marriage guidance gives the Forced Marriage Unit's contact details. The care worker offence is in section 38 of the Sexual Offences Act.

One way to see where the gaps are is to draw the people in the person's life as four circles, with them at the centre. The diagram below is an example, and the circles are the ones used in person-centred planning.

Draw the circles with the person, using their own names for people, and look at the middle two. If they are nearly empty, that is where to put the effort. People become friends by meeting the same faces week after week over a shared interest, so a regular group on a fixed day is worth more than a string of one-off trips.

Groups to look for include Mencap groups, self-advocacy groups where people with a learning disability run the meetings, sports clubs, drama and music groups, and ordinary clubs the person can go to with support. Gig Buddies, a project of the charity Stay Up Late, pairs people with a learning disability with volunteers for gigs, sport and nights out. Day services and things to do in the day covers daytime groups and how they are paid for, and work and supported employment covers the other place many adults meet people.

The Foundation for People with Learning Disabilities describes circles of support, a group of people the person chooses who meet to help them do what they want with their life. A circle like that can take on friendship as its goal.

We cannot vouch for any agency and do not endorse one. Choice Support, a charity, runs Supported Loving, a network for people with a learning disability, their families and staff, and keeps a list of friendship and dating agencies by region, which states that it does not endorse them either. The learning disability charity Hft runs a friendship and dating service called Luv2meetU. Mencap's pages on relationships and sex include easy read guides on dating and on meeting people online.

Some agencies use the words "learning difficulties" when they mean a learning disability. Mencap separates the two: a learning disability affects intellect and lasts a lifetime, while a learning difficulty such as dyslexia does not affect intellect. If the difference matters, ask an agency who its members are.

If someone is in danger, ring 999. Otherwise ring the police on 101 or report it online. Disability hate crime, which includes mate crime, can also be reported through True Vision, the police-funded hate crime site, which has easy read guides. Money lost to a scam is reported to Report Fraud, the service that replaced Action Fraud, on 0300 123 2040. Mencap's page on mate crime and hate crime explains reporting in plain words.

If you think an adult is being abused or exploited, tell the council's adult safeguarding team. Safeguarding adults and how to report explains what happens after you ring, and scams and older people covers the tricks scammers use, and those tricks work the same way at any age.

Keeping someone safe is not a reason to stop them having relationships. Taking away every friendship punishes the person for someone else's behaviour and can leave them lonelier. Teaching them what a good friend does, and talking things over after they have been out, is a better protection, because it goes with them wherever they are.

1. 1

   Talk about it at home, in plain words

   Whenever questions come

   Use ordinary words for bodies and for sex, and answer questions when they are asked rather than putting them off. Short sentences and pictures help here as they do with any other information.
2. 2

   Use easy read guides

   Free to download

   Mencap publishes easy read guides on friendships, dating, online relationships, consent and LGBTQ+ topics, and the Supported Loving toolkit points to more for people, families and staff.
3. 3

   Ask the community learning disability team

   Through the GP or the council

   These NHS teams include nurses and psychologists for adults with a learning disability. Ask whether they can offer one-to-one work or a group on relationships and consent.
4. 4

   Use NHS sexual health services

   Free and confidential

   Sexual health clinics offer contraception, testing and advice. Ask for a longer appointment or easy read information, which are reasonable adjustments the NHS can make.

Mencap keeps a list of sexuality and relationship resources, and the NHS explains how to find a sexual health clinic. Contraception, periods and sexual health can also be raised at the annual health check, where a longer appointment is normal.

Being gay, lesbian, bisexual or trans is part of this too. Mencap has easy read guides on LGBTQ+ topics, and the Supported Loving directories include LGBTQ+ social groups. A person working out who they are needs the same plain information and the same respect as anyone else.

For a parent, supporting a relationship you are uneasy about is hard. Under the Mental Capacity Act, a person who can make a decision is allowed to make an unwise one, and who they see is one of those decisions. If you think they may not understand what is happening, or are being harmed, say so to their social worker or the safeguarding team rather than acting alone. Autism support at home covers routines and change, which can matter when a relationship begins or ends.

A support worker can go along: to a club, on the bus to a first date, or to a café nearby while the date happens, then home again. What they do should be agreed with the person beforehand. They keep professional boundaries throughout, which means no personal friendship or social media contact, and discretion about what they see. Professional boundaries with clients and families sets out where those lines sit.

If the person would like someone to go out with them in the evenings and at weekends, you can search for carers near you and compare their rates. PrimeCarers is an introductory service. We introduce self-employed carers and support workers, and we do not provide, arrange or manage care. The family, or the person themselves, chooses the carer, interviews them first and agrees the hours directly with them, and they can keep working with the same person for as long as it suits them both. For someone who wants a familiar face beside them in a new place, being able to choose that person, and keep them, is the point.

Before a carer appears in a search, we check their identity and right to work, confirm an enhanced DBS check (or PVG in Scotland, or Access NI in Northern Ireland) issued within the last 18 months, and interview them online. Separately, carers are insured while they work. We do not check qualifications, training or references, and there is no way to search for carers by learning disability experience. What a carer says about their experience is their own account, so ask about it at interview. Questions to ask at interview has a list to work from.