Ways to include a frail grandparent in the wedding

For a grandparent who uses a frame, lives with heart or lung problems, has Parkinson's or is recovering from an illness, a wedding can be the longest day they have had in months. Some people are at their best in the late morning and flagging by the time the meal is cleared; others come to life in the afternoon. You or their usual carer will know which pattern they follow.

So start from their day rather than the wedding's. Ask the person who looks after them when they are most alert, how long they can sit comfortably and when they usually rest. Then place each moment you would like them to have in their good hours. The map below shows one way of doing it for an afternoon ceremony.

Two things make the plan work. The first is a rest. An hour in a quiet room during the drinks reception, with the toilet nearby and something to eat, can be what lets a grandparent stay awake and enjoy the speeches. The second is agreeing a time to go home before the wedding, so that leaving is part of the plan rather than a disappointment. Where grandparents should sit at a wedding covers finding them a seat that makes both of those easier.

For any of this to work, someone has to keep an eye on the time, walk your grandparent to the photographs, and notice when they need to sit down. If the person who usually does that is the mother or father of the bride, they will be busy at exactly the moments that matter. Who looks after an elderly relative on the day sets out a simple rota so the family can share the job, and the wedding day care plan template puts the timings on one page.

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In England and Wales, a civil ceremony can include readings, songs and music, but it must not include anything religious, such as a hymn or a reading from the Bible. That matters if a grandparent has a favourite passage from scripture. If the ceremony is civil, the passage may fit better in a speech at the reception, or at a blessing afterwards. GOV.UK advises couples to discuss any wording with the person carrying out the ceremony, so send your grandparent's reading to them early. A civil ceremony also needs at least two witnesses, and a grandparent is a lovely choice for one of them.

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For some grandparents, walking in or walking the bride down the aisle is the part they care about most. It can often be done with the right help, a slower pace and a chair waiting at the end. Grandparents walking down the aisle goes through who walks them in and when, and walking down the aisle with a parent in a wheelchair covers the aisle itself if they use a chair.

Whatever you choose, ask in a way that makes it easy to say no. A grandparent who would dread reading in front of a hundred people may be relieved to sign as a witness instead.

A short toast from a grandparent, a few sentences about the couple and a glass raised, gives the room a moment to hear from the oldest generation. If your grandparent would like to give one, keep it to a minute or two and put it at the start of the speeches, while they are still fresh and before the room gets loud.

If speaking is too much, they can write something for a grandchild to read, or record a short video at home in the weeks before, to be played at the reception. Or the bride, groom or best man can mention them by name in their own speech. A line such as "my grandparents have been married for sixty years, and I hope we manage half as well" can mean a great deal to the person sitting at the top table.

1. 1

   Ask, and offer a choice

   A few months before

   Ask whether they would like to say a few words, have someone read them, record a video, or simply be mentioned. Let them pick, and make sure they know any of these is welcome.
2. 2

   Write it down in large print

   A few weeks before

   Help them write the words, keeping it to a minute or two. Print it in large type on a single card, with plenty of space between the lines.
3. 3

   Put them first in the running order

   When you plan the speeches

   Tell the toastmaster or best man to call them first. Waiting through three longer speeches before theirs is tiring and makes nerves worse.
4. 4

   Bring the microphone to them

   On the day

   Let them speak from their seat at the table, with a hand-held microphone passed to them. Check it works beforehand, and that a hearing loop is switched on if the venue has one.

If your grandparent has hearing loss, they may follow less of everyone else's speeches than you would expect, especially in a noisy room with a poor sound system. A printed copy of the speeches beside their plate, or a seat near the speakers, helps. Helping a guest with hearing or sight loss enjoy the wedding has more on seating, loops and microphones.

If your grandparent has dementia, a speech may still be possible if it is very short and written down, and if nobody minds what happens. How it goes on the day is hard to predict, so a mention in someone else's speech carries less risk of them feeling put on the spot, and is a good fallback to plan for.

The family photographs usually happen straight after the ceremony and can run on for a long time. Standing in a garden or a draughty doorway while the photographer works through twenty groups of relatives can tire an older guest out before the meal starts. Ask the photographer to take every group that includes your grandparent first, then let them go and sit down.

Give the photographer a written list of those shots before the day, with the names of the people in each one, and tell them about your grandparent's needs. A good photographer will build the groups around a chair rather than asking a frail guest to stand for long.

If your grandparent uses a wheelchair, there is no need to hide it or move them out of it. Tell the photographer in advance and they can arrange each group around the chair. A few photographs of the couple crouching or sitting beside them can be among the best of the day.

Plan the dance for the early evening, around the cutting of the cake or straight after the first dance, rather than late in the night when your grandparent is tired and the floor is crowded. Keep it short: one verse and a chorus is enough, and other guests can join in after that.

Choose a song that means something to them, perhaps one from when they were young or the song from their own wedding. Familiar music matters most of all for a grandparent with dementia. The NHS suggests music, singing and sharing memories as good activities for people with dementia, and the charity Playlist for Life helps families put together music that is personal to someone. Taking a parent or grandparent with dementia to a wedding covers the rest of the evening, including noise and a calm way to leave.

If your grandparent is nervous about falling, the dance can become something they worry about all day rather than something they look forward to. Talk it through with them before the wedding and offer the seated version as the plan, not the fallback. Fear of falling explains why the worry can grow after a fall and what helps.

The corsage advice is practical rather than decorative. A pin pushed through thin fabric close to fragile skin can scratch, and a magnet worn near a heart device can briefly affect how it works. The heart device maker Medtronic advises keeping magnetic items such as name badges at least 15cm from the device. A wrist corsage on an elastic band sidesteps both.

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Every idea on this page depends on timing, and timing depends on somebody watching the clock for your grandparent. That person walks them to the photographs, brings them to the edge of the floor for the dance, takes them to the quiet room after the ceremony and gets them home before they are worn out. A grandchild or a family friend can do it for part of the day, but rarely for all of it, and the people who know your grandparent best may be the busiest people at the wedding.

If that is the gap in your plan, a wedding carer who stays with them all day can take it for the day, with the journey there and back agreed in advance, so the family can be guests. If your grandparent is not well enough to come at all, bringing the day to a grandparent who cannot come has ideas for a visit in the dress, a livestream and a second celebration.