Looking after an elderly relative at a wedding: who does what on the day

A wedding day for an older guest can run for ten or twelve hours, from getting washed and dressed in the morning to being settled in bed at night. Through all of it someone needs to know where they are, whether they need the toilet, when their next tablets are due and how tired they are getting. At home that is usually one person: a daughter, a son, a husband or wife. At a wedding that same person may be the mother or father of the bride or groom, with a speech to give, photographs to be in and a hundred people to greet.

If nobody else is named, the job falls back on them, and they spend the day half-watching their mother across the room. Deciding in advance who looks after her is kinder to both of them. It lets the usual carer enjoy the day as a guest, and it means your relative is never left wondering who is with her. The NHS describes breaks for carers as a way to stop them becoming exhausted and run down, and a wedding is a good day to take one. If the usual carer feels uneasy handing over, feeling guilty about taking a break is worth reading together.

If you are still choosing the venue and talking to the guest, start with planning a wedding with an older or disabled guest.

The rota works because each helper knows exactly when they start, when they finish and who they hand over to. Two or three hours is long enough for the guest to settle with one person and short enough for the helper to enjoy the rest of the day. Overlap the shifts by ten or fifteen minutes and hand over in person, beside the guest, so she hears who is with her next and the bag of spares changes hands as well.

The day lead is the role that is easiest to forget. It is one person, ideally not the usual carer, who holds the full plan, keeps their phone on loud and is the first call if anything goes wrong. In the example the day lead also takes the first and last shifts, because getting ready and getting home are the two shifts that need someone who knows the guest’s routine. They should also be the person who drives, which means staying off alcohol. If the journey needs more thought than a family car, getting an older guest to and from the wedding covers taxis, accessible minibuses and an early way home.

Put the rota in writing and send it to everyone on it a week before, with the hand-over note. Mark the shifts on the order of the day so helpers know which speeches or photographs they will miss.

If the guest has dementiaSection titled If%20the%20guest%20has%20dementia

Fewer, longer shifts with people she knows well work better for someone with dementia than lots of short ones, because every new face is something else to make sense of. Two or three helpers in total is a sensible aim. Plan the evening shift with care, since some people become more confused or restless later in the day, which is known as sundowning. Taking a parent or grandparent with dementia to a wedding goes into the quiet room, introductions and a calm way to leave.

The toilet and medicines are the two jobs that most need planning before the day, because they are the hardest to fix once you are at the venue. Toilets, continence and medicines across a long wedding day has a fuller plan, including discreet changes and what to carry. If the guest uses pads at home, pack more spares than you think you need, and a full change of clothes in a bag that does not look like a medical bag.

Seating does a lot of the work for the helper. A seat at the end of a row near the front lets the guest see and hear the vows and slip out without fuss, and a table near the toilets and away from the band makes the meal far easier. Where grandparents should sit at a wedding goes through the ceremony and the reception room.

Write the note with the person who knows the guest best, such as their day-to-day carer, a week or two before the wedding. Use plain words and put the most urgent things first. A helper should be able to read it in two minutes and know what to do if the guest needs the toilet, looks unwell or asks to go home. Avoid medical shorthand, but keep the full list of medicines in the bag too.

If your relative is happy to, involve them in writing it. Ask who they would like to help them in the toilet and when they would like to leave, and put their answers on the note.

The wedding day care plan template gives you the same headings as a free page to print and fill in, with space for the rota and the numbers to ring.

1. 1

   Ask each helper plainly

   Six to eight weeks before

   Tell them which shift you have in mind and what it involves, including the toilet if that is part of it. Give them room to say no, or to offer a different shift. A helper who agrees to the whole job knowing what it is will be a better helper.
2. 2

   Send the rota and the note

   Two weeks before

   Send everyone the same two pages: the rota with names, times and hand-over points, and the note about the guest. Ask them to read both and come back with questions.
3. 3

   Practise anything physical

   Before the day

   If a helper will push a wheelchair, help with a transfer from chair to car, or help in the toilet, let them do it once with the usual carer watching. It is easier for the guest too.
4. 4

   Introduce helpers to the guest

   If they do not know each other

   A cup of tea, a video call or a few minutes at a family gathering means the helper is a familiar face on the day. This matters most for someone with dementia or hearing loss.
5. 5

   Tell the venue

   The week before

   Let the venue coordinator know the guest’s needs, where they will sit, that the accessible toilet must be unlocked and clear, and who the day lead is. Ask where the quiet room is.
6. 6

   Check the bag the night before

   The day lead

   Tablets for the day, pads and a change of clothes, a cardigan, water and a snack, the note, chargers and any walking aids. Put it by the door.

If the guest needs a wheelchair only for the distances at the venue, borrow or hire one in time to practise with it. Hiring a wheelchair, scooter or commode for a wedding day covers where to get one and what to check.

A guest with hearing loss will follow much more of the day with a helper who sits on their better side, faces them when speaking and can pass them a printed copy of the vows and the speeches. Hearing loss and care at home has more on helping someone follow a conversation.

The advice on falls comes from the NHS page on falls: keep the person comfortable and warm, help them up carefully only if they can manage it, and do not try to lift them yourself. Call 999 if they may have injured their head, back, neck or hip, or cannot get up. For anything else that worries you about their health, NHS 111 can tell you what to do. If your relative has fallen before, the checklist for what to do after a fall is worth giving to the helpers.

For someone with dementia, distress at a wedding can have a cause you can do something about: noise, too many faces, needing the toilet, being hungry, tired or in pain. The NHS suggests looking for the trigger and offering reassurance and a quiet, calming environment. In practice that means walking out with them into a garden or a quiet room and staying with them until they settle. If it does not pass, it is time to go home, and that is a good decision rather than a failure. The dementia care guide has more on what helps day to day.

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Agree with your relative and the day lead before the wedding when they would like to go, and who takes them. Then add a plan for leaving earlier. The day lead keeps the car keys and stays sober for this reason.

If several of these sound familiar, look at a wedding carer who stays with them all day, from the journey there to the journey home, working to the note and the plan you have written. On PrimeCarers, £350 covers one carer for an agreed wedding assignment of up to 12 hours, and longer days, overnight support and travel expenses are agreed separately. The wedding carer page suggests getting in touch four to six weeks before the wedding if you can, and having a call or a meeting with the carer beforehand so your relative can get to know them.

Carers on PrimeCarers are self-employed, and PrimeCarers is an introductory service rather than a care agency. Before a carer appears on the site they have had an ID check, a right to work check, an enhanced DBS check issued within the last two years (PVG in Scotland, Access NI in Northern Ireland) and an online interview. Carers are insured while they work. Their experience and training are their own account on their profile, so ask each carer about the help your relative needs and check it with them. What a wedding chaperone or carer does, and what it costs sets a paid carer beside a family rota in more detail.

A paid carer and a family rota also work well together. The carer can take the toilet, medicines and transfers, while grandchildren and friends take turns sitting with your relative for company. If your relative already has a regular carer at home, it is worth asking whether they would come too, since a familiar face makes the day easier, and whether carers can take you out explains how families agree a longer outing with a carer they already know.