A wedding day care plan for an older guest

On an ordinary day the person who knows your relative best carries the plan in their head. They know when each tablet is due and that a long wait without a chair leaves your relative unsteady. At a wedding that person may be the mother of the bride, a bridesmaid or one of the couple, with a full day of their own. Writing it down means that knowledge goes with your relative instead of staying with one busy guest.

A plan also helps when helpers change. On a wedding day the guest may be passed from one person to another: a son drives them there, a cousin sits with them at the ceremony, a friend helps at the meal, and someone else takes them home. At each handover a medicine time or a toilet trip can be forgotten, unless the sheet goes with the guest.

A care plan holds personal health information, so share each part only with the people who need it, and ask the guest what they are happy for others to see. If your relative already has a care plan from the council or their home care, start from that. The care plan guide explains how an everyday plan is put together, and much of it carries straight across. For the bigger picture of planning the day around this guest, start with planning a wedding with an older or disabled guest.

Print one copy to draft on, and fill it in over two or three sittings. The contacts and medicine times take a few minutes. The section on what upsets and settles them takes longer, because it is worth asking the guest and the people who know them well. When it is finished, print a clean copy for each helper and one for the guest's bag.

Medicines: the part to get exactly rightSection titled Medicines%3A%20the%20part%20to%20get%20exactly%20right

Write every medicine that falls between leaving home and getting back, even the ones they take themselves, and write the time as a clock time rather than "with lunch". The wedding breakfast may be served two hours later than their usual lunch, and a tablet tied to a meal can slip with it. If a medicine must be taken with food, note that, and ask the venue for a small snack at the right time.

Some medicines must be taken at the right time to work properly. Parkinson's UK says people with Parkinson's need their medication on time, every time, and says a late dose can leave a person with severe tremors or unable to move. If your relative has Parkinson's, write those times in large letters and set an alarm on the helper's phone. The guide to Parkinson's medication on time explains why the timing matters. For any medicine, a pharmacist can talk through how and when to take it if a long day moves the usual times. Whether a helper can give medicines, or only remind, depends on who they are and what the guest wants, and can carers give medication? explains the difference.

Toilets, food and drinkSection titled Toilets%2C%20food%20and%20drink

The NHS lists older adults among the people more at risk of dehydration, and suggests offering drinks at mealtimes and keeping fluids within reach, because a person may not notice how little they have drunk. A guest worried about the toilet may refuse drinks all day. Writing "small cups often" on the plan, and noting where the nearest accessible toilet is at each place, deals with both problems at once. Toilets, continence and medicines across a long wedding day has a fuller plan for discreet changes and what to pack.

What upsets and settles themSection titled What%20upsets%20and%20settles%20them

This part can be the hardest to write, and it is the part a helper is likely to use most. Think about the last family gathering: what made your relative tired or cross, and what helped? Noise and heat can be hard for an older guest, and so can being hurried or asked lots of questions by people they half remember. Your relative will have their own list. Write the early signs too: going quiet, fidgeting, asking the time, wanting their coat. A helper who knows them can find the quiet room before the guest becomes distressed.

If your relative has dementia and a completed This is me leaflet from Alzheimer's Society, which records a person's background, routines and preferences, copy the relevant parts across. Taking someone with dementia to a wedding explains how to plan for the parts of the day that are likely to be hardest.

Take the wedding timetable and write the guest's day next to it. Start with the ceremony and the meal, then add their medicine times, a toilet break before each long sit and an afternoon rest in a quiet room. The example below is for a ceremony at 1pm and a meal at 3.30pm, for a guest who tires by early evening.

Agree two leaving times: the time the guest would like to go, and the latest time, after which the helper takes them home whatever is happening. An older guest may say they are fine long after they are exhausted, because they do not want to miss anything. Agreeing the latest time beforehand means the decision is already made, and nobody has to argue about it at the end of the evening. For someone with dementia, late afternoon and early evening can be a harder time of day, which the guide to sundowning describes. That is a reason to plan an earlier exit.

Mark on the plan where the quiet room is at each place, and check it is still free on the day. The accessible wedding venue checklist covers what to ask the venue, including the quiet room, the step-free route and the accessible toilet. The journey section of the plan should match the transport you have booked. Getting an older guest to and from the wedding covers cars, accessible taxis and an early way home.

1. 1

   Write it with the guest

   Three or four weeks before

   Sit down with your relative and their usual carer, if they have one. Ask what they want from the day, what worries them and what help they would like.
2. 2

   Check the medicines and the venue

   Two weeks before

   Confirm the medicine times against the boxes or the repeat prescription. Ask the venue about the quiet room, the seating and any food the guest needs.
3. 3

   Give each helper their copy

   One week before

   Send the plan to the helper, the back-up and the driver home. Ask each of them to read it and ring you with questions, rather than reading it for the first time on the day.
4. 4

   Pack the bag the day before

   The day before

   Medicines pouch, spare pads and clothes, wipes, a warm layer, water, snacks, spare hearing aid batteries and a copy of the plan. Tell the helper where the bag will be.
5. 5

   Hand over in person

   On the day

   At each change of helper, pass on the sheet and say what has happened so far: when they last went to the toilet, which medicines have been taken and how they are doing.
6. 6

   Text when they are home

   The evening

   The driver or the person settling them in sends a text to the name on the plan when the guest is home and has had their evening medicines.

If something goes wrong on the daySection titled If%20something%20goes%20wrong%20on%20the%20day

The "If something goes wrong" box keeps the helper calm when a plan changes. For a guest who feels unwell but is not in danger, ring NHS 111 for advice. For an emergency, ring 999. If your relative falls, the helper should not rush to lift them; after a fall: the checklist sets out what to check first. Write on the plan who goes with the guest if they need to leave or go to hospital, and keep the medicines pouch and the sheet with them.

If your relative has dementia and might walk away in an unfamiliar place, keep a recent photograph of them on the helper's phone. If they have a Herbert Protocol form, which police use to help find a person with dementia who goes missing, take a copy. The guide to wandering and leaving the house has more on keeping someone safe. A dementia assistance card or a Hidden Disabilities Sunflower lanyard can also help venue staff and other guests understand that someone may need patience.

Who will look after them on the daySection titled Who%20will%20look%20after%20them%20on%20the%20day

The plan only works if someone is free to follow it. If the person who usually cares for your relative is in the wedding party, or wants to enjoy the day as a guest, ask a friend or relative who can give the whole day to it. Who does what on the day sets out the jobs, so the person you ask knows what they are taking on. Where the help needed includes personal care, or nobody can give up the day, you can book a wedding carer who stays with them all day and works from the plan you have written. What a wedding chaperone or carer does, and what it costs compares the options.