Taking a parent or grandparent with dementia to a wedding

None of this means your relative will not enjoy the day. The ceremony itself tends to be one of the easier parts: it is short, everyone is seated and quiet, and the shape of a wedding service is something an older guest will have seen many times. The harder parts tend to be the waiting, the noise and the length of the day, and all three can be planned around. The rest of this guide is about doing that.

If your relative's confusion builds in the late afternoon, what is sundowning? explains the pattern, and it is a good reason to plan for them to be home before then. Dementia care is the wider guide if the diagnosis is recent.

1. 1

   Visit the venue with them if you can

   A month or so before

   Walk the route from the car to the ceremony room, find the toilets and choose the room they can rest in. If a visit is not possible, take photographs of the entrance, the room and the toilets so you can look at them together.
2. 2

   Ask the venue for a quiet room

   When you book or soon after

   A side room, a library or a small lounge close to the main room, with a comfortable chair, a door that closes and a toilet nearby. Ask whether it can be kept free for them all day, and put a sign on it if that helps.
3. 3

   Make a small photo book of who will be there

   In the weeks before

   Pictures of the couple, close family and the people they will sit with, each with a name underneath. Look through it together a few times, in a relaxed way, without testing them on who is who.
4. 4

   Choose clothes they know and wear them once

   A week or two before

   Comfortable shoes they have worn before, layers for a cold church or a warm marquee, and an outfit tried on at home so it feels like theirs on the morning.
5. 5

   Write a one-page plan for the day

   The week before

   Timings, medicines, food and drink, what upsets them and what settles them, who to ring and when they leave. Give a copy to the person who will be with them, and to the care home if they live in one.
6. 6

   Talk about it close to the day

   The last few days

   Mention the wedding in the days before rather than counting down for weeks, which can cause worry. On the morning, keep things calm and unhurried and allow more time than you think you need.

The Alzheimer Society of Canada suggests spending time at a gathering looking at old family photographs or singing favourite songs, and the same idea works in the weeks before: photographs of the couple as children, or of your relative's own wedding, give you an easy way into talking about the day. A wedding day care plan gives you a printable sheet for the timings, medicines and likes and dislikes, so nothing depends on one person's memory.

When you look at the venue, look at it through their eyes. Is the accessible toilet near the room they will sit in, or along a corridor and through two doors? Is the entrance one level, or is there gravel or a step? It is worth asking the venue about these early, while there is time to change the room plan.

Arriving late sounds like bad manners, but for a guest with dementia it is kind. If they arrive as the last guests are sitting down, they miss the crush in the entrance, the waiting and the run of greetings from people they may not place. Ask an usher to keep their seat free and to walk them straight to it. In the same way, leaving before the speeches spares them the longest stretch of sitting still in a loud room, usually at the hour when they are most tired.

Plan the rest of the day around the parts that matter most to your family. If those are the ceremony and a family photograph, put them first. Ask the photographer to take the group with your relative in it straight after the ceremony, before the drinks reception gets loud, and tell them your relative may only manage a few minutes.

Food, drink and medicinesSection titled Food%2C%20drink%20and%20medicines

Keep meals and tablets as close to the usual times as you can. Dementia UK suggests keeping normal routines going at celebrations, including meals, personal care and medication. That might mean lunch at home before setting off and a sandwich in the quiet room rather than waiting for the wedding breakfast. Have water to hand all day, since a long, warm afternoon of talking is tiring, and some people with dementia forget to drink. Toilets, continence and medicines across a long wedding day covers medicine timings, regular toilet trips and what to pack.

Getting there and backSection titled Getting%20there%20and%20back

Book the journey home for the time you agreed, not for when somebody notices they are tired. A car booked for 4.30pm means nobody has to make a decision in the middle of the meal. Getting an older guest to and from the wedding compares the ways of travelling, from a family car to an accessible taxi.

The companion matters more than any other part of the plan. A person with dementia can lose track of where they are and who they came with, and being handed from one relative to another through the day makes that harder. One familiar person, who stays beside them, can notice the early signs of tiredness or worry and do something about it before it becomes distress. Where should grandparents sit at a wedding? has more on seating plans for older guests.

Choose the companion carefully. It should not be one of the couple, a parent of the couple, or anybody with a speech to give or guests to greet. It should not be the person who usually cares for your relative either, unless that is what they want, because this may be their one chance in a long time to be a guest. A cousin, a close friend or a neighbour your relative knows can do it well, as long as they are happy to miss parts of the wedding and to leave early. Looking after an elderly relative at a wedding sets out who does what on the day, including the companion's role.

Give the companion what they needSection titled Give%20the%20companion%20what%20they%20need

Make sure the companion has the one-page plan, the car booking, a phone number for whoever is at home or at the care home, the medicines and a change of clothes. Agree with them beforehand that they can decide on the day to leave early, or to go to the quiet room, without asking anyone. That way they never have to interrupt the couple or a parent of the couple to check.

If nobody in the family can give the whole day to it, you can book a wedding carer who stays with them all day instead, from the journey there to the journey home, so the person who usually looks after them can be a guest too.

The hardest of these to plan for is your relative walking away from the venue on their own, especially if it is in a place they do not know. Alzheimer's Society suggests making sure the person carries some identification, keeping a recent photograph of them, and telling the police if you cannot find them. It also describes the Herbert Protocol, a national scheme in which families fill in a form of useful information in advance, to hand to the police if a vulnerable person goes missing. If your relative has walked off before, fill one in before the wedding and give a copy to the companion. Wandering and leaving the house covers the reasons people with dementia walk about and what helps at home.

A small card in their pocket or bag with their name, a contact number and a line saying they have dementia also helps, so that venue staff or another guest can help them if they become separated from their companion. What are dementia assistance cards? explains the kinds of card available. The Hidden Disabilities Sunflower is a scheme for letting people know, without having to explain, that somebody has a condition that may not be obvious and may need more time or help.

Dementia UK suggests telling family and friends beforehand about the changes they may notice, and asking them to take turns talking to the person, so they are not trying to follow several conversations at once. The NHS gives similar advice for talking to someone with dementia: speak clearly and slowly in short sentences, get down to their level and make eye contact, and be patient while they answer. A short message to close family a week before the wedding, or a word from the couple, is enough to pass this on.

When a familiar song helpsSection titled When%20a%20familiar%20song%20helps

Music can reach a person with dementia when conversation is hard. If there is a song your relative loves, or the song from their own wedding, ask the band or the DJ to play it early in the evening reception, or have it played during the drinks while they are still there. A dance with a grandchild, or a few minutes holding hands while it plays, can be a lovely part of the day for them and for you.

If your relative lives in a care home, agree the time they will be back with staff beforehand and stick to it, and let the home know how the day went when you drop them off: what they ate and drank, when they last had their medicines, and whether anything upset them. Ask staff to tell you how they were over the next day or two. Bringing a relative from a care home to a wedding covers the arrangements with the home, from getting ready to the handover when they return.

If you look after your relative yourself and the wedding has left you tired too, plan some rest for yourself in the week after. Respite care for dementia explains how families arrange a break, from a few hours to a week, and how to build up to it so it is easier on the person you care for. Family occasions and dementia covers other gatherings, from birthdays to christenings, if the wedding is one of several this year.