Planning a wedding with an older or disabled guest

When an older relative needs help with walking, the toilet, medicines or staying settled, someone has to be beside them for most of a wedding day. That day can run for ten hours or more from leaving home to getting back again. The question to answer early is who that someone is, because the person who usually cares for them may be a parent of the couple or a member of the wedding party, with a full day of their own.

There are three usual arrangements, and some families combine them. The table sets out how each one works and what to watch for.

A family rota costs nothing and keeps the guest among people they know. It works best when every person on it has a clear slot and a clear handover. A friend as helper gives the guest one familiar face all day, which matters a lot to someone who is anxious or confused, but it asks a great deal of one guest. Before you ask, read who does what on the day, which sets out the jobs a helper takes on so the friend knows what they are agreeing to.

The third option is for families where the help needed is personal care, or where nobody can give up the day. You can book a wedding carer who stays with them all day, so the person who usually looks after them can be a guest too. Carers on PrimeCarers are self-employed. Before a carer appears on the site they have had an ID check, a right to work check, an enhanced DBS check issued within the last two years (PVG in Scotland, Access NI in Northern Ireland) and an online interview. Ask each carer about their experience of the help your guest needs, because training and past work are their own account and for you to check with them. What a wedding chaperone or carer does, and what it costs compares a paid helper with doing it within the family.

You do not need to do all of this alone. A good share of the list can go to the person who will look after the guest on the day, once you have chosen them, and to a parent or sibling who knows the guest well. The care plan in the last month is the one piece worth doing carefully yourself, or with the guest's usual carer, because everyone else will work from it. The free care plan template linked in the timeline gives you the headings, with space for medicines, toilet needs, food, timings and the numbers to ring.

An older guest may be excited, nervous, proud or tired just thinking about it, and often several of those at once. Some will want to be there for every minute. Others will be happier coming for the ceremony and the photographs and going home before the meal. Asking early gives them time to think, and it means the plan is theirs as well as yours. These are the conversations worth having.

If the guest has dementiaSection titled If%20the%20guest%20has%20dementia

Someone with dementia may not be able to tell you in advance how they will feel on the day, and the answer can change from one week to the next. Talk to them anyway, and include the family member who knows their good and bad times best. A diagnosis does not decide the question by itself. Should someone with dementia come to the wedding? walks through how families weigh it up, including a shorter visit or coming for the ceremony only. If they do come, plan with the dementia care guide in mind, so they have people they know around them and a calm way to leave before they are overwhelmed. If it is the person with dementia who hopes to marry, can someone with dementia get married? covers capacity and consent.

If they live in a care home or cannot comeSection titled If%20they%20live%20in%20a%20care%20home%20or%20cannot%20come

A guest who lives in a care home will need the home involved early, for the timings, their medicines and the journey. Bringing a relative from a care home to a wedding explains what to ask the manager. Sometimes the guest decides, or the family decides with them, that the day would be too much. There are good ways to bring the wedding to them, from a visit in the wedding clothes to a video call during the speeches, and the guide to when a grandparent cannot come sets them out. If someone close to you is seriously ill and the date cannot wait, getting married quickly in a hospital, hospice or at home explains the faster legal routes.

When you visit a venue, walk the route the guest would take, from the car to the ceremony seats, then to the drinks, the meal and the nearest toilet. Count the steps, look at the floor surfaces and ask where they could sit somewhere quiet. If the ceremony is in a church and the reception elsewhere, do the same at both, and allow for the journey between them. The accessible wedding venue checklist has every question to ask.

Getting there and backSection titled Getting%20there%20and%20back

Plan the journey home before the journey there, because it comes at the end of a long evening, when a gap in the plan is hardest to fix. Decide who drives, whether the guest can get in and out of an ordinary car, and whether a wheelchair needs to fold into the boot. Book a wheelchair-accessible taxi well ahead, especially for a Saturday in summer. If the guest has a Blue Badge, it can be used when they are travelling in the car or being dropped off or collected. Venue car parks are private, so the owner decides whether badge holders park free, as the government guidance on Blue Badges explains. Getting an older guest to and from the wedding covers cars, taxis, accessible minibuses and the early way home.

If the guest needs a hoist and a changing bench to use the toilet, look for a Changing Places toilet near the venue on the Changing Places map. These toilets have a hoist, an adult-sized changing bench and room for two carers, which an ordinary accessible toilet does not. If the wedding is a long way from where they live and they will stay overnight, book an accessible room early and plan the next morning as well as the evening.

1. 1

   Getting ready and arriving

   Morning

   Leave plenty of time to get ready without rushing, and aim to arrive a little early so they can use the toilet and find their seat before the crowd. Bring the bag with their medicines, spare clothes or pads, a warm layer and water.
2. 2

   The ceremony

   Usually under an hour

   Seat them near the front at the end of a row, close to a door, so they can see and hear and slip out if they need to. If they have hearing loss, ask whether the room has a hearing loop.
3. 3

   Photographs and the drinks reception

   Can be the longest wait

   This is where older guests can be left standing. Take the family photographs with them first, then find them a seat somewhere warm and quiet with a drink and something to eat.
4. 4

   The meal and the speeches

   Afternoon

   Seat them near the toilets and away from the speakers, with their helper beside them. Check that the food suits them, and plan medicines that fall at mealtimes.
5. 5

   The evening and the journey home

   When they are ready

   An older guest may be tired well before the evening. Agree beforehand the time they would like to leave and who takes them, and stick to it even if the party is in full swing.

On the day, the helper's job is to keep watching how the guest is doing, so that tiredness, a need for the toilet or rising confusion is noticed before it becomes a problem. Offer the toilet before the ceremony, before the meal and before the speeches, rather than waiting to be asked. Toilets, continence and medicines across a long wedding day has a practical plan for the parts of care that are hardest to manage away from home, including discreet changes and medicine timings.

A guest with hidden needs, such as dementia or hearing loss, may find it easier if other guests know to be patient. Some people wear the Hidden Disabilities Sunflower, a symbol for non-visible disabilities, and a few words to close family before the day can help too. For a guest with dementia, keep introductions simple and avoid quizzing them about names. Taking someone with dementia to a wedding explains how to plan for a calm exit if the day becomes too much.

When they get home, someone should help them settle and make sure they have taken their evening medicines. Expect them to be tired the next day, and keep it quiet. Ring them, and share a few photographs so they can look back on the day.