The short answer
- Caring changes a partnership, and saying so is not disloyalYou may be doing their jobs as well as your own and losing the person you used to talk things over with. Naming that helps you decide what to hand to someone else.
- Personal care is your choice to keep or shareSome couples want to keep washing and toileting between them. Others want a carer to do it so they can stay husband and wife. Either is a reasonable decision.
- Tell your GP practice you are a carerIt goes on your record, and the NHS offers a free flu vaccine to the main carer of an older or disabled person.
- You have rights in your own nameA carer's assessment from the council is free. Carer's Allowance overlaps with the State Pension, so check what a claim would do before you make one.
Where money comes up, the figures are what families pay carers on PrimeCarers, £18 to £25 an hour with our fee included, against £28 to £35 an hour at an agency. Benefit figures are 2026/27 rates from gov.uk. Written for England.
What changes between you
How caring changes a marriage or partnership
The illness belongs to your partner, but the change to daily life belongs to both of you. It helps to write down what has shifted, because the list is also the list of what somebody else could take on.
You become their carer as well as their partner
Roles
The person you talked things over with
Company
Their jobs as well as yours
The household
Intimacy and closeness
Being a couple
None of this is a complaint about your partner, and it does not mean you are managing badly. It is what happens when one person takes on the work of two, and the guides for family carers are written with that in mind. If you are the son or daughter of a couple in this position rather than the husband or wife, when one parent is caring for the other is written for you.
The jobs that used to be theirsSection titled The%20jobs%20that%20used%20to%20be%20theirs
Money and paperwork are the jobs that catch people out, because they are hard to pick up in a hurry. If your partner can still understand and make decisions, this is the time to talk about a lasting power of attorney. Gov.uk is clear that a person must have mental capacity when they make one, so it cannot be done once that has gone. There are two kinds, one for property and financial affairs and one for health and welfare, and lasting power of attorney explains both and how to register them.
If your partner was the driver and you are not, the hospital appointments and the weekly shop suddenly depend on somebody else. Family can cover some of it, and a carer who drives can take your partner to appointments or do the shopping with you.
Talking about itSection titled Talking%20about%20it
It can help to talk to somebody outside the marriage about the change, and it can help to talk to each other. Relate offers relationship counselling to couples and to people on their own. If your partner has dementia, the Alzheimer's Society has a page on how dementia affects sex and intimacy that is written for partners. If you have started to feel cut off from other people, is being a caregiver lonely? is written for that.
Personal care
Washing, dressing and the toilet between partners
Helping your husband or wife to wash, dress or use the toilet is one of the biggest changes caring brings. Couples decide it in different ways, and there is no right answer that suits every marriage.
| What it can protect | What to watch for | What makes it easier | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Keeping it between the two of you | Privacy, and the comfort of being helped by someone they know and trust. Some people find being washed by a stranger far harder than being washed by their partner. | Your own back, your sleep, and whether the bathroom has become a place where you argue. Lifting and steadying someone is physical work. | Equipment from an occupational therapist, a routine you both know, and a carer for the mornings you find hardest. |
| A carer does some or all of it | Your time together as a couple, not as carer and patient. Your partner keeps a husband or wife who is not the person who takes them to the toilet. | How your partner feels about a stranger helping, and whether they would prefer a man or a woman. Ask them before anyone is booked. | The same carer each time, a trial of a few weeks, and starting with the task either of you finds hardest. |
| Sharing it | Some of both. You might keep the evening wash and hand the morning shower to a carer. | Being clear with the carer about which jobs are theirs, so nothing is done twice or missed. | Writing down who does what in the morning and evening, and changing it when it stops working. |
Keeping it between the two of you
- What it can protect
- Privacy, and the comfort of being helped by someone they know and trust. Some people find being washed by a stranger far harder than being washed by their partner.
- What to watch for
- Your own back, your sleep, and whether the bathroom has become a place where you argue. Lifting and steadying someone is physical work.
- What makes it easier
- Equipment from an occupational therapist, a routine you both know, and a carer for the mornings you find hardest.
A carer does some or all of it
- What it can protect
- Your time together as a couple, not as carer and patient. Your partner keeps a husband or wife who is not the person who takes them to the toilet.
- What to watch for
- How your partner feels about a stranger helping, and whether they would prefer a man or a woman. Ask them before anyone is booked.
- What makes it easier
- The same carer each time, a trial of a few weeks, and starting with the task either of you finds hardest.
Sharing it
- What it can protect
- Some of both. You might keep the evening wash and hand the morning shower to a carer.
- What to watch for
- Being clear with the carer about which jobs are theirs, so nothing is done twice or missed.
- What makes it easier
- Writing down who does what in the morning and evening, and changing it when it stops working.
The reason some couples hand personal care to someone else is not that they cannot do it. It is that they want the time they spend together to be about each other, and a carer doing the shower in the morning can make that possible. Handing intimate care to a professional goes through how to raise it and what to agree with the carer. Your partner is entitled to a say in this, and to change their mind.
If you are keeping it between you, a few things help. Ask your GP or the council for an occupational therapy assessment, which can lead to grab rails, a shower seat or a raised toilet seat. Take the wash at your partner's pace, and let them do the parts they still can. Bathing and toileting covers the practical steps in more detail, and privacy and dignity covers how to keep your partner's dignity while you help.
Your own health
Looking after your own health while you care
Your partner's health is watched by a GP, consultants and nurses. Nobody is watching yours unless you tell them to, and if you become ill the care you give stops with you.
- 1
Tell your GP practice that you are a carer
One phone callAsk them to record it on your notes. Carers UK says a practice that knows can point you to local support, tell you what you are entitled to, and offer a health check. Some practices can arrange your appointment alongside your partner's. - 2
Have the free flu vaccine
From OctoberThe NHS offers a free flu vaccine to anyone who is the main carer for an older or disabled person, or who gets Carer's Allowance, as well as to everyone aged 65 or over. For the 2026 to 2027 season, carers and people aged 65 or over can book from 1 October 2026. - 3
Keep your own appointments
Book cover with themA hip, a cataract or a dental appointment is easy to put off when there is nobody to sit with your partner. Book someone to sit with them at the same time as you book the appointment, so the date holds. - 4
Protect some of your sleep
At least one night a weekBeing woken several times a night for months wears a person down in ways they do not always notice. A night carer on one night a week gives you a night you can count on. - 5
Write down what would happen if you were ill
This monthOne page listing your partner's tablets, routine, who has a key and who to ring. If you are taken into hospital, that page is what lets somebody else take over that evening.
The flu vaccine eligibility is on the NHS flu vaccine page, and Carers UK explains what to ask your GP as a carer.
Sleep is the one people underrate. If your partner is up in the night, what months of broken sleep do to a family carer sets out what has been measured and when a night carer makes sense. One sleeping night a week, where the carer sleeps in the house and gets up if needed, costs £130 to £145 on PrimeCarers with our fee included, and a waking night is £150 to £160.
The written plan in the last step matters more for a couple than for almost anyone, because you are the person your partner depends on and there may be nobody else in the house. If you get ill: the emergency plan shows what goes on the page and where to keep the copies. How do you look after yourself as a carer? covers the rest of it.
Help you can ask for
The help you can ask for, and where a few hours would help most
Look down the table and find the one or two jobs that take the most out of you. Those are the ones to hand over first, because a few hours of help there gives you back more than the same hours anywhere else.
Looking after your partner
| The job | Who does it now | Who else could | How to arrange it |
|---|---|---|---|
| Washing, dressing and the shower | You, every morning, and again at bedtime. | A paid carer on some or all mornings. An occupational therapist can suggest equipment that makes it safer for both of you. | Ask the council for a needs assessment in your partner's name, or search for carers near you and book the mornings you choose. |
| The nights | You, woken whenever they need the toilet or are unsettled. | A night carer on one or two nights a week, so you know when you will sleep. | Raise it at your carer's assessment, and read which kind of night your partner would need before you book. |
| Tablets and appointments | You keep the list, order the repeats and remember the times. | The community pharmacist for how the tablets are packed. A carer can prompt tablets at a visit. | Ask at the pharmacy, and write the list down so somebody else could take over for a day. |
Washing, dressing and the shower
Who does it now
You, every morning, and again at bedtime.
Who else could
A paid carer on some or all mornings. An occupational therapist can suggest equipment that makes it safer for both of you.
How to arrange it
Ask the council for a needs assessment in your partner's name, or search for carers near you and book the mornings you choose.
The nights
Who does it now
You, woken whenever they need the toilet or are unsettled.
Who else could
A night carer on one or two nights a week, so you know when you will sleep.
How to arrange it
Raise it at your carer's assessment, and read which kind of night your partner would need before you book.
Tablets and appointments
Who does it now
You keep the list, order the repeats and remember the times.
Who else could
The community pharmacist for how the tablets are packed. A carer can prompt tablets at a visit.
How to arrange it
Ask at the pharmacy, and write the list down so somebody else could take over for a day.
Running the house
| The job | Who does it now | Who else could | How to arrange it |
|---|---|---|---|
| Cooking | You, three times a day, sometimes for someone whose appetite has changed. | A lunchtime visit where a carer cooks for both of you and eats with you. | Book a regular visit on the days you find hardest. |
| Cleaning, laundry and the bed | You, around everything else, with more washing than before. | A cleaner, or a carer whose visit includes the laundry and changing the bed. | Agree it with the carer when you book; what happens in a visit is what the two of you agree. |
| Shopping | You, when you can leave the house. | An online delivery, a family member on a set day, or a carer who does it at a visit. | Set up one regular order, and give family one fixed job rather than asking them to help generally. |
Cooking
Who does it now
You, three times a day, sometimes for someone whose appetite has changed.
Who else could
A lunchtime visit where a carer cooks for both of you and eats with you.
How to arrange it
Book a regular visit on the days you find hardest.
Cleaning, laundry and the bed
Who does it now
You, around everything else, with more washing than before.
Who else could
A cleaner, or a carer whose visit includes the laundry and changing the bed.
How to arrange it
Agree it with the carer when you book; what happens in a visit is what the two of you agree.
Shopping
Who does it now
You, when you can leave the house.
Who else could
An online delivery, a family member on a set day, or a carer who does it at a visit.
How to arrange it
Set up one regular order, and give family one fixed job rather than asking them to help generally.
The jobs your partner used to do
| The job | Who does it now | Who else could | How to arrange it |
|---|---|---|---|
| Money, bills and the post | You, sometimes for the first time in years, and without the person who knew where everything was. | A son, daughter or friend you trust to sit with you over it once a month. | If your partner can still make decisions, talk about a lasting power of attorney now. |
| Driving | You, or nobody, if your partner was the one who drove. | A carer who drives, family, or a taxi account for regular trips. | Ask the hospital whether patient transport is available for their appointments. |
Money, bills and the post
Who does it now
You, sometimes for the first time in years, and without the person who knew where everything was.
Who else could
A son, daughter or friend you trust to sit with you over it once a month.
How to arrange it
If your partner can still make decisions, talk about a lasting power of attorney now.
Driving
Who does it now
You, or nobody, if your partner was the one who drove.
Who else could
A carer who drives, family, or a taxi account for regular trips.
How to arrange it
Ask the hospital whether patient transport is available for their appointments.
Your own time
| The job | Who does it now | Who else could | How to arrange it |
|---|---|---|---|
| Time out of the house for you | Rarely, and cut short because you are worried about home. | A companion or sitter who stays with your partner for two or three hours. | Book the same afternoon every week so it becomes the plan and not a favour. |
| Your own GP, dentist and hospital appointments | Put off, because there is nobody to stay with your partner. | The same sitter or carer, booked for the morning of the appointment. | Book the cover when you book the appointment, and tell the GP practice you are a carer. |
| A week away, or a week of rest | Not since the illness began. | Respite: a carer at home for the week, or a short stay somewhere for your partner. | Ask about it at your carer's assessment, and plan the first one well ahead. |
Time out of the house for you
Who does it now
Rarely, and cut short because you are worried about home.
Who else could
A companion or sitter who stays with your partner for two or three hours.
How to arrange it
Book the same afternoon every week so it becomes the plan and not a favour.
Your own GP, dentist and hospital appointments
Who does it now
Put off, because there is nobody to stay with your partner.
Who else could
The same sitter or carer, booked for the morning of the appointment.
How to arrange it
Book the cover when you book the appointment, and tell the GP practice you are a carer.
A week away, or a week of rest
Who does it now
Not since the illness began.
Who else could
Respite: a carer at home for the week, or a short stay somewhere for your partner.
How to arrange it
Ask about it at your carer's assessment, and plan the first one well ahead.
You are entitled to help in your own name, separately from anything your partner is assessed for. The most useful first step is a carer's assessment from your council's adult social care team. It is free, it does not depend on your savings, and it has to look at whether you are able and willing to carry on caring. Your partner can have their own needs assessment as well. The free help a family carer can ask for lists everything else, from local carers' centres to Carer's Credit.
Paying for a few hoursSection titled Paying%20for%20a%20few%20hours
When you are ready to look for someone who could give you a few hours a week, to rest, see a friend or keep your own appointments, you can search for carers near you and compare their rates. Carers on PrimeCarers charge £18 to £25 an hour with our fee included, and companionship visits, where the work is company and a meal rather than personal care, are £15 to £20. An agency charges £28 to £35 an hour. Every carer on PrimeCarers has had an identity check, a right to work check and an enhanced DBS check on the Update Service, and has been interviewed online. You read their profiles, talk to them, and check their experience and training with them yourself. Separately, every visit booked through PrimeCarers is insured while the carer works.
A longer break is also possible. Respite care means a carer at home for a week or a short stay somewhere for your partner, so that you can rest or go away, and it is worth raising at your carer's assessment. If you feel you should not need a break, feeling guilty about taking a break is written for that.
When things change
When an illness changes the person, or one of you may need a care home
Some illnesses change more than what your partner can do. They can change how your partner thinks, speaks or behaves, and that changes the marriage again. Each of the conditions below has its own guide.
If your partner has dementia, the changes to their personality can be harder than the physical care. It is worth asking about a local carers' group or a dementia nurse, because talking to other husbands and wives in the same position helps in a way that general advice does not. After a stroke, aphasia can take away the conversations you relied on, and patience with each other matters as much as the physical care. With Parkinson's, the timing of tablets shapes the whole day, and the nights can be as hard as the days.
When care at home stops being enough for one of you, the decision is different for a couple. You may be well enough to stay at home while your partner needs more than you can give, and that can mean living apart for the first time. Couples separated by care needs covers the ways a couple can live when their needs have drifted apart, and what happens to the house and savings if one of you moves. Live-in care is another option to price: one carer supporting a couple at home is typically £1,350 a week on PrimeCarers, and live-in care for couples explains how it works. PrimeCarers does not place anyone in a care home.
Questions
Questions husbands, wives and partners ask
Yes. Under the Care Act 2014 a carer is an adult who provides or intends to provide care for another adult, and being married to them makes no difference. That matters because it gives you rights in your own name, including a free carer's assessment from the council and being recorded as a carer by your GP practice.
Carer's Allowance is £86.45 a week in 2026/27 if you care for at least 35 hours a week and your partner gets a qualifying benefit, and your earnings are £204 a week or less after tax, National Insurance and expenses. If you get a State Pension of £86.45 a week or more, gov.uk says you will not get a payment, although a claim can still give you an underlying entitlement. Carer's Allowance explained sets out the rules.
Take advice first. The payment itself will not reach you if your pension is £86.45 a week or more. The underlying entitlement can add to Pension Credit, but gov.uk says the person you care for will usually stop getting the extra amount for severe disability in their Pension Credit. Citizens Advice or Age UK can work out which way leaves the two of you better off.
Start by asking her what she would find easier, and whether she would prefer a woman or a man. Some people accept help with other jobs first, such as cooking or the shopping, and come to know the carer before any personal care begins. Handing intimate care to a professional covers how to raise it.
Nobody automatically, which is why a written plan matters. Write one page with his tablets, routine, who has a key and who should be told, and keep copies where they will be found. If it happens, tell the hospital straight away that someone at home depends on you and ring adult social care. If you get ill: the emergency plan goes through it.
Yes. A visit is booked by the hour, and what happens in it is what you agree with the carer, so the same visit can cover your partner's shower, a meal for both of you and the washing. Carers on PrimeCarers charge £18 to £25 an hour with our fee included. For live-in care, one carer supporting a couple is typically £1,350 a week.